The Pain that I Grew to Live With

Sabrina Quek
Sep 3, 2018 · 5 min read

Growing up, I have always been a very active person. My dad was an athlete; he loves tennis and it is a sport that both my brother and I learned to play and grew to love. I vividly remember the times where we would beg Dad to take us to the sports stadium, where the tennis courts were scorched under the broiling sun. We didn’t care that it was 1pm in the afternoon, all we wanted was to play. And every time, Dad relented and Mom would always remind us to put on sunscreen.

In high school, I was an active participant in sporting events. Track & field, long jump and cheerleading… you name it. These events served as a motivation for me to train hard and persevere. Whilst I wasn’t the fastest runner or the best cheerleader, the rush of adrenaline when crossing the finishing line or cheering until the very last beat of the music was deeply gratifying. I loved it.

Fast-forward to university, I continued to live an active lifestyle. I signed up for a fitness package that included personal training sessions and unlimited classes. I was disciplined; I would wake up at 5am to attend boxing classes, and work out in the evening 3–4 times a week. I was on a roll and it was exhilarating. As any other typical university student, I attended many events and house parties, drank until midnight and danced until dawn, I was full of life and drunk in love (of life).

For the first time in a very long time, I felt that I had full control of my life. I was achieving my fitness goals as well as living my dream traveling around the world; I had the world in the palm of my hands and I thought to myself: Nothing could stop me from living my life. I was at the pinnacle of self-realization, on the way to fulfilling my goals and achieving my dreams.

In a matter of days, my life changed forever

Less than ten months ago, I was struck with a horrible flu; one where I had two days of high fever and several nights of profuse sweating and chills. I was feeble and haggard, it was the worst flu I have ever had in my life. I never completely recovered. In a matter of days, my life changed forever. I felt that I belonged to a different body; detached, distant and estranged. I took many trips to the doctor’s office, most of them dismissed my symptoms and one even suggested that it was due to my anxiety and it was “all in my head”. I almost believed her, or I liked the idea that it was all in my head, because how did one person as healthy as I was could be struck down by an illness as common as flu?

I fell into depression. A month passed by and my symptoms became progressively worse, the pain in one localized area has become a widespread agony. Every day was a struggle. At this point in time, I have become a hypochondriac, searching my symptoms in Google in the fear of having debilitating diseases. The multiple tabs on my browsers were all medical websites, with each page citing an illness that I was afraid to succumb to. Self- diagnosis is one of the worst ways to associate yourself with an illness, but I just couldn’t help myself. I became obsessive. Every morning when I woke up, the first thing I would do was to check if I had any “unusual” signs on my body; the sight of a mere small rash would alarm the panic button and it was all I could think about all day, terrified that an impending illness would soon take over my body.

I started to doubt my ability to process information, maybe my doctor was right, maybe it was all in my head. Maybe it was consuming my mind so much that I started to believe I was delusional. Tests after tests, all results came back normal. I was supposed to feel relieved, or comforted by the fact that nothing was wrong with me… yet. In contrast, it was a feeling of unease, anxiety and frustration that transpired, not knowing the answer to my underlying symptoms was the worst feeling. After six months and three specialists referral, I was referred to a fourth doctor, a rheumatologist who finally figured out what was wrong with me. My first suspicion was an autoimmune disease, most likely fibromyalgia ( a long-term condition that causes pain all over the body. As well as widespread pain, people with fibromyalgia may also have increased sensitivity to pain. fatigue (extreme tiredness) muscle stiffness.) as I ticked all of its symptoms. To my relief, the tests for autoimmune diseases were negative, but there was one component that was at a severely low level- I have Vitamin D deficiency.

It changed me as a person and how I see the world

Never have I ever thought that a low level of Vitamin D could have such an insidious effect on my body. It is an overlooked condition and this was the moment where I realized that I had to listen to my body and be mindful of the warning signs. It also took an experience like this one for me to learn an invaluable lesson and gained a new perspective on life- being grateful that I am alive and living my life with a sense of purpose. It has changed me as a person and how I see the world. Whilst the pain has become a part of me, it does not define me as a person. Yes, I admit that there are bad days where I would feel that I am at rock bottom, but I keep reminding myself this sinking feeling is only temporary and I would always swim my way up to shore.

It is a fact that I have to accept, the pain will most likely be with me for the rest of my life. Pain has become my daily routine, but I grew to live with it, and even learned how to contain it. Being aware of the pain is the best way to manage it. I would not want to call my condition a battle, because a battle always ends in having a victor and a loser. Instead, we coexist side by side and I choose to live harmoniously with it by practicing mindfulness and leading a healthier lifestyle. Or perhaps it is not such a bad thing after all, as I am taking self-care more seriously and putting health first. As the saying goes: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and make it a damn good one.

Aspiring writer, binge-thinker, avid coffee drinker. Looking beneath the surface of the human mind. Observing life, tapping into the pathway of self-discovery.

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