A wondering Heart
To say this year has been a roller coaster would be a massive understatement. While my first breakup was an E true Hollywood Story moment, it was actually the nostalgia for wanting to know more about my birth mom that has proven to be more difficult. For some context, my birth mom, Jennifer Consigny Gordon, disappeared October 18, 1994 and has not been found to this day.
While I have been going through my first breakup, a time when most lean on their mother for this, I have two wonderful adopted mothers who love me and I love back. However, there are certain behavioral aspects of my personality that I attribute to my birth family that have contributed to my sudden interest in Jennifer.
As a kid, I actually had a lot of resentment towards her, my mom chose a life of intense drugs including heroin and cocaine. She contracted HIV which she unfortunately passed along to me during childbirth.(Luckily I am undetectable (which means I cannot spread the disease) However, as I have grown into a woman and have begun adult relationships, I can’t help but miss the mother figure that actually birthed me. While her life may not have been filled with much, she was a radiant figure that I have heard passed along many positive qualities.
It is especially in times of feeling down that I wonder how my mother would provide advice to me. I don’t know if she was alive how much we would have in common, but what would I do know is that I would love to have a drink with her and to just laugh. Because as anyone who has anyone who actually knows me, knows I enjoy laughing. While life is full of surprises, if you can find the humor in anything, you can find a light.
Mainly, I want to connect with her as I am feeling sad with an ending of a certain friendship and in the wake of my last (and first) romantic relationship. While it may seem silly to many, sometimes I look for guidance in the dead, as it can be more inspirational to that that of the living. I often picture what advice she would give me and I picture her being more stern than me. As I hear from my friends, sometimes our first relationship can be hard to let go. They are a time of important reflection, growth, and excitement, it is hard to walk away from something or someone when you want to hold on so much. Some of us think that holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.
Sometimes I look up at the sky and wonder if you’re looking down on me. You clearly had a lot more experience with men than I did, and sometimes I want a pep talk from you, but I do picture us talking and you telling me what to do with a sly smile, because you and I both know that telling people what to do is wrong but we do it anyways.
I love you mom. Any animosity I felt is no longer relevant. I don’t know much about dating and I tend to just be myself with no consequences. However, as I can picture Jennifer indicating, be yourself, and the right people and energy will come along.
