I’ve had this account for over a year and I still haven’t posted anything. Kind of indicative of my whole attitude towards writing. One foot in and one foot out. Too scared to suck to get any work done.
So I don’t think I’ll be posting any meaningful work on here. But at the very least I can use this app as a tool to document my attempts to hold my life together long enough for me to sit down and write something more substantial than a character sketch or a fun concept. It won’t be easy, and I’m going to fall apart again. I don’t care if you watch, but I’ve gotta do something. I’m on a healing journey and I’ve got to keep moving.
I’m in as good a spot as I’ve been in years. With the occasional help of a doctor with an antidepressant prescription and months on end of white-knuckled endurance I’ve managed not to kill myself yet. I’ve struggled with depression as long as I can remember. Officially diagnosed in my senior year of high school but disregarded. It hit me hardest when high school ended. Dropped out of college like 4 times and avoided a job for 2 years. I joined the army, thought I was good. Came back from training and got dumped. I held a job for a couple of years at a gas station while being in the army reserves. I gained some weight, got kicked out, moved to California, and gained more weight.
It was my move to California that changed me most. 6 months spent sleeping on a family members couch while enjoying jobless bafoonery and I started smoking pot. I stopped long enough to get a job working on credit card machines and started again. Slowly at first but then more regularly. I even started seeing a therapist and tried antidepressants for the first time. After a year I didn’t see myself going anywhere so I quit my job with a commute and took one at a local McDonald’s so I could spend the extra time writing. That lasted 3 months before I gave up and found a full time job in tech.
I’ve now been in California for nearly 3 years. Ive been single since I came back from army training. Ive had my job for nearly a year. My cousin is currently sleeping on my couch. Two months ago I almost used his gun to kill myself. I took a huge bong rip and changed my mind. Since then I’ve pored myself into writing. If I’m not brainstorming trough different ideas or plotting then I’m reading or listening to writing podcasts. About a month ago my ex girlfriend came back into my life. Then she nearly killed herself last weekend while I begged her not to and made her stay on the phone with me. I bought my first car this week. She’s out of the hospital that she checked herself into today and I tried to hit on her. I’m not proud of that.
This post is an expansion on my bio since everything I tried to type was too long to fit. It’s also an explanation for the kind of awful content I’m likely to post. Consider yourself warned.