A Message From the Big Ass Pimple on Your Forehead
Hey MOTHER FUCKER. Look at me. Yea up here above your right eyebrow. I’m the big ass pimple on your forehead. Neither of us wants me to be here, but here I am and here we are.
I get it. You’re an adult, you have an office job, you just donated to the ACLU. You have your shit together. Well, I’m here to disabuse you of that notion. Adults who have their shit together aren’t growing bacterial cultures on their foreheads. Don’t look at the bags under your eyes. Look at me. LOOK AT ME. I’m here to remind you that you let the 23 year old intern in your office get you blackout drunk on a Tuesday. You don’t get to do that anymore sweetheart.
Oh what’s this? you want to try to anti-ance gel me now? Cool, cool, cool. You were supposed to have been doing this for the last 3 months. Look, I’m growing on your forehead. I know you. We both know there was no way you were going to apply a topical acne gel twice daily. TWICE daily? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You can barely remember to masturbate twice daily.
Okay, here’s the twist — I want off your oversized shiny forehead as much as you want me gone so to listen to me. If you don’t eat better and sleep more or I’m going to be stuck here for a while. Nobody needs to be reading the Wikipedia article for The Ring at 2am. I don’t give a shit about your well being but damn. Go the fuck to sleep. But before you do that order some face cream with MOTHER FUCKING RETINOL.
Okay that’s all. See you in two the three months, because lets face it you’re not going to be able to keep it together for more than that at a time.
P.S. You need stamps. Yes, it’s 2017 but you still need stamps.