Awaiting Harmony

The Reality of Happiness

Madison, Virginia

Today, I asked myself a rather dangerous question:

Do I deserve to be happy?

This question occurred to me after spending the past three years in search of clarity. I had spent so much time celebrating my revelations that I completely ignored the severity of my actual situation.

I wondered how someone can be sobered by different perspectives, scientific reasoning along with Buddhist ideology and still be in an unfavorable position in their life?

At first,I rejected this question deeming it to be frivolous and unproductive. Naturally, my knowledge filled, arrogant brain smiled at the overt dismissal of the question while my soul reeked of denial.

I had kept this denial buried so deep in my heart that it became my truth. I would utter what I regarded as affirmations to myself daily. I would say:

  • But of course you’re happy
  • Everyone you meet loves you
  • Go read some Rumi, he was at peace with having very little
  • No, better go back to Aristotle as this matter should be assessed
  • Poetry for your restlessness nights
  • No, more logic and reason for the tough week ahead
  • You just need to be practice more gratitude
  • Do not let them see you break-Fake it till you make it (This one was particularly interesting as my denial confronted me and I still rejected it for more denial)
  • Did you meditate today?
  • Take a trip EVERY weekend (Only to come back more mentally exhausted than before I left)
  • The universe loves you, you’re never alone
  • Of course you’re happy, look at you
  • Stress about finances
  • But remember earthly ailments are only of the mind
  • People are dying, get over it
  • Of course you’re happy
  • No, (insert he, she, they, it) should not have done that to you but remember you cannot control the situation, only the way you react to it (This affirmation held me captive)
  • Did you meditate this week?

This went on for years. I found myself very successful at everything I did but I was a slave to other peoples’ agenda. I worked for THEM (whoever they were at the time). By day, it was a huge organization that paid very little and expected a lot. The more I gave, the more they expected.

By night, it was my family who were comprised of five growing siblings and my never satisfied parents. The more I gave, the more they expected.

Solitude consisted of developing a list of who needed me the most that week. Everyone lucked out but one person.

Me. Do I deserve to be happy?

Well, seeing as how happiness is subjective with no actual or quantifiable value other than the meaning we have attached to it, no, Sahra does not deserve to be happy. (There goes the brain, interrupting with its logic once again)

I must say that I am inclined to agree with my brain when it comes to the word happiness. In all my travels and studies, I have yet to see people who I can classify as happy.

They simply do not exist.

Equally, I can say that I have met people who were at peace with themselves and the direction of their lives. So, where were these people?

  • They resided on mountain tops, in between the outskirts of nowhere and everywhere-ville
  • They were knee deep in yard work in huge but comfortable houses a few miles outside the city
  • They were walking barefoot surrounded by trees with little cell reception and kept their doors unlocked at night
  • They were executives by day and knitters by night
  • They were very affluent but never spoke of it so I would google them to see their notoriety
  • They were nothing special (according to them)
  • They had family troubles and unfortunate circumstances but they spoke of them only in passing
  • They were big city people
  • They were country folk
  • They were never-marrieds, divorced, widowed, and suddenly singles (To which they did not mind)
  • They were nature enthusiasts, vegetarians, and hunters

I asked each of them if they were happy and I received the same response in different accents.

They all said, they were okay and could not complain as they had chosen to live out the lives they desired.

I had never seen people so true to their own nature.

Again, I think of Sahra. Today, I have an answer for her and I think a few people would agree.

I have chosen to adopt new and truthful affirmations. I shall no longer give denial the keys to my life. Moreover, I shall allow myself to live out the same concept of joy I encourage others to subscribe to.

There is no need to delay the first step when I packed my bags myself.

I am simply ready.

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