The search for a reason.

Photo essay and short story on the desire to survive.

A cigarette 6 am in the morning can be misinterpreted by many.
Not only does it keep me warm in the cold days that I can’t bear through,
But it’s also a reminder of how I am living, in agony.

I look into the sky and I remember the time I took that wrong turn.
That wrong turn that made my life into a complete hurricane of shet.
As the sun dies down, its another reminder of how I am living, in loneliness.

On the drive to college, I’m haunted by my past and agonized over the decision I have made. Even when time continues, I stand frozen looking helplessly day by day. With that it’s my final reminder of how I am living, in regret.

I’m on a struggle to find the right path again.
But in the worst days I find myself remembering what might have been the end. Would it have been a tragedy or a blessing?

She crosses through my head. I wish she hadn't. All the memories I remember, makes me wither down into a crispy leaf ready to be stepped on. I feel like I’m suffocation in your countless memories. I miss everything so very much.

I’m frozen in time, walking aimless without a reason. My psychologist said that time will fly and with that..things will get better. But to him I ask this, how can time fly when its wings are being frozen by my past?

I’m on a pathetic walk trying to find a path of joy again. I don’t want to live in agony, loneliness, and regret. I need an escape, even its temporarily. So I find pills in my stomach, headaches in the morning, and smoke in my lungs.

I been sleeping way to often. I don’t want to leave the room. My room is the perfect example of where I am at, in total chaos. My anxiety is at its peak. My depression is slowly catching up to me. My brain is too exhausted to continue.

I have people around me. They do what I do. It’s just… not a single person knows of my struggles. In this tragic world, I’m surrounded by people who can’t see. I detest this world, I honestly do.

But I have learned that there is still hope. Even if waking up is agonizing, I’m proud that I refuse to give up. Even if I’m by myself, I hope I won’t continue on being lonely. Even if I regret surviving, there must be a reason I survived.

Although now that shes gone, I’m happy that I got to spend some memories with her. I’m gonna stay positive and be glad that I was able to experience some part of life with the person I loved. I will always cherish her smile.

I’m glad I attended college so I can express this. I’m glad I survived so I can be mesmerized by the beauty of the word. I’m glad I have remembered these memories that I can grow from. I still have lots of time before I leave. I’ll preserve through what comes at me next. I know I can change my life. I know I can fight this depression. I can’t give up now. There is a lot I have to see and do.

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