I’m hiding

You know, I could tell you I am writing my posts here in English because I love the language, because I want to master it and because writing in English, is my way of practicing it more often but … the truth is I am hiding. I have always been.

I have always found English and Spanish beautiful. I enjoyed learning both languages at school and I love the fact that today, I am able to express myself both in French and in English.

I had a diary when I was young. I don’t remember who offered it to me but I do know that even if I really loved it, I didn’t write anything deep in the diary. You probably think that’s because I was a little girl with no deep things to write but that’s not true.

My parents were going through a divorce, I felt lonely, and no one could get into my head, ask the right questions and get me to talk so I would feel close to a soul … I knew all that back then but I was faking not to see it. I didn’t want to write about it, to face my feelings and the emotions surrounding me.

Instead, I would write about my crushes, about what I learned at school, about the crazy dreams I was having… about anything but the pain. And as soon as I have been able to express myself correctly in English, I discovered how I could hide behind the language.

I never talk about my feelings, my emotions. I practically never face them but when I do, I do it in English. It’s easier for me. It’s like getting naked but still have clothes on. It’s like drinking for hours but still be sober. I am not that vulnerable when I let myself be sad and true in English.

Do you feel the same? I think a lot of people feel the same. I think a lot of people hide. Behind smiles, jokes, songs, drawings, poems, stories, work, family … and it’s okay because it takes a tough skin not to break in this life.

So, I hide behind English. Where do you hide ?

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