THE GAME OF THORNS

Sakshi Joshi
Aug 22, 2017 · 7 min read

“KNOCK-KNOCK- IT’S PUBERTY”

I was roughly the age when awkwardness creeps in. Yes, the very confusing age when one is forced to question one’s own status- “Am I a child, or a grownup?” What’s with this change I feel and see? And why this sudden fondness for my senior?

It just so happened,I had celebrated my 13th birthday.

THE ‘PATRONUS’.

So while I was reluctantly and yet happily living my post-puberty years, I stumbled upon the 3rd generation revolution

of Internet that had hit the cyber dungeons of India in the post LPG reforms of 1991.

YouTube had taken over the Internet by a storm. Everyone seemed to cherish the new found ‘Pandora’s box’, for it had loads to offer. And before I knew anything more about it, “VLOGGING” on YouTube was the new craze around the block; the new “Elton John”- fab, fancy and fascinating.

“Eureka!” I claimed as I calmed myself down of excitement. “This is my calling”, I shouted to myself as if Archimedes in his jacuzzi enlightened about ‘Buoyancy’. Having no time wasted I followed my calling like Harry his “Patronus” and soon enough I was inaugurating my life, my personality, myself on YouTube; focused as a laser to

become the next “MirandaSings”.

“Craaaaaaap!!! Worst decision numero uno”. “It requires age consent for a reason” is what I should have told myself. But my genius self felt otherwise. I was in it and into it.

Little did I know of my “Patronus”-that it was just like an enigmatic yet mesmeric ‘Pitcher Plant’ that sadly enough was a decoy waiting to trap me.

THE BAIT

Yes! I was officially a YouTuber.

So, years passed by and I kept making videos one after the other. It was hard work but all worth it. People liked my content and to top it off, I was being paid. Could it get any better for a teen? I seriously doubt. Vlogging soon became my drug. My personal brand of Heroine if I may. I was hooked. Script writing, shooting, editing, posting, drooling over the number of my subscribers was the gist of my life back then- materialistic for sure, but crazy awesome. My work was liked by all( or so I wanted it to be like). And soon enough, I started getting recognized in school and became the point of focus among the popular boys.

Life was a fairytale. I asked for nothing more. But little did I know what was coming my way. As the end of 10 months of my debut approached, as I routinely opened the comment section of my last vlog, I came across one particular comment from this guy, “The guy from Alaska”(As my mind recalls him now), who in picture looked an average American but used words that cut my soul like a butcher’s knife, seemed to be powerful enough to overpower my zeal, my will and my confidence. In the months to come he seemed to have taken it upon himself the agenda

to crush me. Commenting on my appearance through YouTube comments seemed to be his favorite tactic among all. Giving me tips to visit salon and cosmetic surgeons were the hardest to bear among all his other shallow comments.

THE TRANSITION

For the last 13 years and 10.5 months I was my father’s little princess ,the star of my mothers eye and my brothers angel.

My chacha nick-named me “Gudiya” after the Indian version of dolls. Being the only girl in my huge joint family, I was specially adored. But for the first time I had received such criticism-3rd degree criticism. “The boy from Alaska” had become a self appointed critique; working exclusively for me. He picked on me virtually that

felt very real. Its funny how a “no-one” suddenly became “the-one” in the worst sense imaginable. He taunted me that haunted me for years, tormented my dreams and made me feel being scrutinized all the time. Suddenly he was the focus of my world, my little world that just wanted to be a part of the gigantic ‘Social Network Revolution’ everyone seemed to be talking about. My world had changed and that boy had changed it for worse.

But why was I so affected?

Well it turns out, fresher ‘Teens’ focus on who appreciates them but focus more on who doesn’t. And it seemed this psycho analysis of my teenage self was public to “The boy from Alaska”.

“You have crooked teeth, why won’t you quit?” he would ask. “Your voice reminds me of an unwell toad”(makes me question how he distinguishes) he announced as he smirked his way through the horrors of my nightmares. “You’re fake as a mannequin”, “an ugly plastic concoction” he claimed as he objectified me.Such were his crude, ruthless words he used to stab me a thousand and one time with.

SELF DEPRECATION

‘So what happened next’, is what you’re probably wondering! Well I did survive the bullying, so thats a good news but even better news is that today I stand happy.

But just to stick to the story let me continue.

My world had categorically changed for the worse. It seemed to revolve around the comments of “The boy from Alaska”. Alas, how I wish it was all in some romantic sense.

Finally to put an end to my virtual torture I decided to leave YouTube and turned onto something even worse. Self criticism. Self pity. Self loathing. Self deprecation. Cooped up in my room that had metamorphosed itself into a room of criticism, highlighting on my flaws, exaggerating the inadequacy and disproportionality of my female anatomy was the basic vibe in there. My room haunted me, for it had become a trial-room with no feel good mirror. In a bid to pin-point the reason for being the apple of discord for “The boy from Alaska”, I objectified myself too. My visible body had transformed into the MCQ’s having two choices to choose from- “yes” for approved and “shameful NO” for being rejected by my criticising and judging eyes. All of it was followed by my obvious yet unsuccessful attempts to commit suicide and soon, without much wait worst stage arrived. Without much effort I had become “The boy from Alaska”. Picking on my slightest bit of uniqueness under the guise of a flaw. I was changed without being converted.

It was this simple. So simple.

It was followed by more self criticism, falling to crashing grades, distanced to lost-for-ever friends and the list continued. The taste of being famous and known had undergone sublimation.

But I was lucky.

Yes despite my horrendous plight “I WAS LUCKY”. Lucky to not have skipped the one mirror that would alone show me

my true picture- the mirror tagged “MY CONSCIENCE”. Its truly said that the only one who can save you is “you”. This was the one mirror I was ignoring all this while. The one mirror I should have seen long time back. Though I ended up losing a lot but I’m glad I eventually picked myself up from the pit I had thrown myself into, dusted myself off to start afresh. Like a Phoenix being born from its ashes, I was reborn-stronger than ever.

“The pen is indeed mightier than the sword”, true meaning of which I understood by experience. It was that day when I realised the importance of words, expression, the great power of positivity, encouragement and the detrimental effects of outright criticism.

I say I’m lucky because in time I had the talk of enlightenment with my conscious. But there are millions of people, both children and adults alike all around the world presently on YouTube and such other social networking website who are damned by such bullies. Emotions are a set of very important chemicals that can change for good or for bad the life of a person. And words spoken play a major role in regulating these emotions.

Now this exercise is for you-The Readers. If you remember to have said something hurtful, intentionally or not, to someone, apologise, say you’re “SORRY”. Trust me it has a lot of power.

PARASITE AND IT’S HOST

Much later in life I realised I was a victim of “Cyber Bullying” where

“BULLY”- the parasite, intentionally or mindlessly harms the “VICTIM”-the host, to the extent of

killing the host’s self esteem, morale, self respect and the worst of all its confidence. This parasite is omnipresent, lives and thrives among us, could be sitting next to you; it may be your friend or maybe its you, it preys on innocent lives and thrives on the human emotions especially hurt, sadness etc. It can harm at any age, to any one at anyplace, at any time.

It primarily survives on ‘sadistic pleasure’, ‘jealousy’, ‘hateful speech’. Its prey, if lucky survives else…

But Hey! Its curable. Its cure lies within us. It’s called “Human-REmaking-isation” that requires one to activate the compassion, sympathy, empathy, benevolence, and kindness-like switches within us.

Once done you remain immune .So please get yourself “activated”. Spread awareness, its an epidemic!

Lets curb it.

Lets stop cyber-bullying together.

Written by- Dr.(Dharma Rehabilitator)SAKSHI JOSHI

Cyber-Space-Diseases Specialist

Author of: How-to-be-a-human-again-from-the-bully-we-have-become

(available in any ‘Hogwarts Library’ near you!)

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