Happy New Year? I sure hope so.
2018 is almost here. And, for some reason, I feel nervous, restless. Scared, almost. Maybe it has to do something with how my 2017 has been. Maybe I’m just so eager to apply what I’ve learned, to start fresh, “to get it right, this time”, I’m afraid of falling short.
2017 was nothing short of a roller coaster. I learned, I grew — I changed. Tremendously. I fell down and got back up. It hurt like hell, and it made me happy like nothing had ever done before. What could have happened to me in 2017, you wonder?
Nothing, I just started college. St Xavier’s College, to be precise. My dream, my one true obsession — I was dying to get admitted. I remember, at the beginning of this year, I was willing to do just about anything to get in here. It’s a great college, yes, but more than that, getting admitted here was a sign that I was not a failure, like I had always thought. It was a sign that I was capable of doing things, great things, that I was not ordinary or average.
So when I got admission to this college, I thought that everything would go on track now, and it will be a smooth ride. But I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Everything was a mess — I don’t know if it was homesickness or anxiety but nothing seemed to go right. I felt that I had failed to make friends, that I was all alone and that is how it would be. I felt rejected, useless. Getting up everyday was a task in itself, simply because college, despite how much I had desired it, was now to me a scary, lonely place and I would rather be in the comfort of my bed where I could just cry and cry and that would be it. For the first four months this was how I spent my days — hoping that things will change, and then, unwillingly, accepting that maybe they won’t.
And then came our first break. By this time, I had decided that I would not let this become my life, I had decided to take control and steer myself in the right direction. I had decided to use the break to figure just exactly what went wrong, and what I could do to change it.
To this day, I struggle to explain what happened,and why it happened. I did manage to figure things out, get out and smile again. But, for the love of me, I can’t explain what happened and why.
Things have been going pretty smoothly since then. Like I said, this year, and everything that it brought along with it, has taught me a lot. And as I plan to step into the new year, I vow to myself to not repeat the same mistakes, to keep my wits about myself and to never, no matter what, let my smile turn into tears.