Designing My New Life After Loss: 5 questions to answer starting from square one

Stephanie Lee
Sep 5, 2018 · 15 min read

One of the most meaningful lessons I’ve learned through my my mental health journey and really through the development of who I am as a woman has been finding my voice. In the past, I’ve used my voice to project my fear and sadness but masked in blame and sometimes even rage. I didn’t understand what I was doing when I was shaming others for my own shame. I didn’t realize I was scaring those I thought closest to me, my family and friends, into silence about how we could interact with each other in a two way relationship. In the scheme of my marriage I feel remorseful that this was my big driver in the break down in our communication and eventual dissolution.

I didn’t know when I was using my voice for criticism and judgement that I was actually closing off my voice that spoke up for what I really needed. That authentic voice kept getting quieter, fading into the background. So quiet, I couldn’t stand up for myself, ask for what I deserved or even ask my parents for a hug for reassurance. I was on an island all by myself and didn’t even really know it.

There are a few factors that play into this: societal, cultural and of course the way I was brought up. As a woman in our society, and many others, we are taught (consciously or subconsciously) that we are here to smile and be pretty. That speaking above status quo is speaking out of turn. As an Asian American I am caught between two worlds and cultures but never feeling like I actually belong anywhere, so I stay in limbo. I’m not ‘fully’ Chinese and Vietnamese because I grew up in the US and don’t know the language so I don’t really belong. On the flip side, in the US I’m known as the ‘model minority’ quiet, obedient and subservient. I look different from everyone else, but at the same time I look the ‘same as a every other Asian’.

“I am virtually invisible and have always had that mean girl voice tailing me my whole life to remind myself that I fade into the background.”

I am virtually invisible and have always had that mean girl voice tailing me my whole life to remind myself that I fade into the background.

Gah, what a mental complex, am I right!? These past three years I’ve been in therapy I’ve just begun to find my voice. It started with just recognizing I feel invisible and learning what I’ve needed to feel acknowledged. Once I was able to do that with the people that I love, I got stronger. My voice got stronger and truer. When the heartbreak hit, I scoured the internet for random people’s blogs to hear their stories of heartbreak, struggle and triumph so I didn’t feel alone in this process. Finding nuggets from vulnerable strangers in the ether made me feel less alone in these feelings. Which brought me to this point where I want to share my experiences with you or really anyone that wants to listen.

This August, I was invited back to my alma mater, East Carolina University, in Greenville, North Carolina to speak to 4000 incoming freshmen about their college careers to come. This opportunity came at such a big time of change for me. Change in life and what I want to do with my purpose: speak my truth. I know more than ever now, I want to speak to young people about my experiences have been professionally and especially personally for a more whole life mentally and emotionally.

So maybe pretend you’re in a coliseum and you’re 18 again. You’ve just moved into your dorm and you have maybe just one friend on campus. Or, don’t, because everything I said in my speech is applicable to who I am today as a 32 year old woman, or at any age.


East Carolina University

Minges Coliseum

Sunday, August 19, 2018 4:30pm

“I am so honored to help kick off your college days here at East Carolina University. But… I’m not gonna lie, I am also very nervous to be standing up here. It feels like a lot of pressure to be the one to welcome you to your new life. You’re at a crossroads of a totally new place, hundreds of new faces, and a laundry list of new expectations to come. You don’t know this yet, but you’re going to stretch and grow in ways you haven’t ever before. This feels like a big deal to me because I get a chance to be a shortstop in your long journey. So when I think back on my experiences over the last decade since graduating, here’s my advice:

What you do for the next four (or five) years will determine the rest of your life. Everything you do here defines who you are. If you do not succeed here, you won’t succeed in the real world.

Are you scared yet? Do you feel that heaviness in your chest? How’s your pulse doing?

“Many people, including myself, stumble and fall along the way. We make mistakes, we encounter hardships, and it is because of them, not despite them, that we get to live real and fulfilling lives.”

Now stop. Try to forget that fear and rising anxiety because none of what I said is actually true. What you will take away from here is not just about the grades and the degree, it’s about the journey. Many people, including myself, stumble and fall along the way. We make mistakes, we encounter hardships, and it is because of them, not despite them, that we get to live real and fulfilling lives. Learning from those exact missteps and how we navigate change is what allows us to become the wiser, more accomplished people we look up to. And what I love about this time of change you’re entering is that it’s a world filled with possibility.

No one has a crystal ball to tell the future. Trust me, I’ve tried finding that person. In the past, the more I thought about my future and my expectations for it, the more I second guessed myself asking, “should I do this”, or “what if I fail”. No matter how many tarot card readings I did, no one knew the answers. The more I lost myself in the questions, the less I paid attention to the here and now. And the now is the most important part of your story. Because if you think about it, you need to know and accept who that person is today before you can take any step forward.

So, did I do what I’m telling you to do? No.

It’s been a long road to self acceptance and it went a little something like this. In 2004, I was in your same shoes exploring this campus as a freshman. I majored in Communications, joined a sorority, took bowling for a summer, went to parties, and made decent grades. Over the four years I made lifelong friends, had difficult and traumatic experiences, led Student Government campaigns, and worked at the mall at the makeup counter.

I actually found my first job here on campus when the 2008 Democratic Presidential Primaries came to Greenville. I met a field organizer for the Obama campaign by Mendenhall and was so excited that I dragged him on an unwanted tour of campus. From there, I spent my last semester not only taking a Romantic Literature course but also volunteering aggressively until we won the primary. When Barack Obama went on to the General Election, I took a chance and joined the campaign. I was barely out of college and packed a suitcase. I drove to Northern Virginia and never looked back. I managed hundreds of volunteers and knocked on thousands of doors because I believed in the message of hope and change. After winning, I was supposed to come back to North Carolina to get a Master’s degree, but I couldn’t stop what I had started. The momentum and energy of possibility took me to Washington, DC.

This one risk I took jumping on the campaign led me to a career in government and politics. I went from a year working for the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development as a 22 year old directing his policy events across the US in local communities… to moving into the East Wing of the White House. Working for First Lady Michelle Obama, I learned that leadership comes from people who care. You can make impact and add value, no matter what level you are, what you look like or where you come from. I was managing the process of planning and executing all of the First Lady’s events and trips internationally, I worked with the military, Secret Service, foreign embassies, and top companies like Nike and Wal-mart while managing teams across the globe. I worked almost twenty four seven to make even a sliver of positive change in this world for Americans, especially young people like you.

At the end of 2013, I felt burnt out, anxious and afraid of making any mistakes. For a change in pace, my husband, puppy and I took another risk and moved to New York City. I was craving a job that was less serious, more fun and much more creative. I went on to work at MAC Cosmetics, one of the leading global beauty brands with the inclusive motto ‘All Ages, All Races, All Genders’. There was a time where 19-year-old me was standing at the MAC counter at the Greenville mall thinking to myself, “oh, maybe one day I’ll move to New York and work at headquarters”. Just about ten years later I became a product developer using my creative and strategic brain to design makeup for international launches worth millions of dollars.

“On the outside, if you judged me by my resume… I looked like I had my life together. But on the inside, it was a totally different and messier story.”

But, with all of this said, professional achievement does not guarantee personal success. While I have had a successful career, I was tired of people saying, “tell me about yourself,” and my only answer being the story I just told you. On the outside, if you judged me by my resume… I looked like I had my life together. But on the inside, it was a totally different and messier story. I let my job and my accomplishments define who I was, my self-worth, and how others saw me. But never stopped to ask myself what makes me human? Or whole?

To answer that question we gotta start from the beginning and get lot more real.

When I was younger I was bullied and made fun of because I looked different. My slanted eyes, round face and dark hair didn’t look like other girls. I’ve been spit on and called names. Which made me feel very alone and isolated. From this I learned to “protect” myself from others so I didn’t have to feel the sting of rejection. Ultimately, I just really wanted to belong. And maybe there’s some of you who’ve felt the same way. As I grew older, this meant I sacrificed personal relationships and ended up keeping people, and joy, at arm’s length. I was afraid of making mistakes. I was afraid that letting people down would mean being unloved. Work and building my career became my safe space. I designed a narrative around it: being proud of it and proving I was worth it. But, there is more to me than just my job.

Unfortunately in 2016, everything caught up with me when I went through a very messy divorce. I didn’t see it coming. For a long time I thought I was living the American dream of a picture perfect family in the best city in the world, and checking off boxes on how to be successful in my career. From thirty years of learning how to ignore my feelings, I found myself heartbroken when I realized my reality wasn’t as happy as I convinced myself it was. In fact, it was the exact opposite. I had been miserable without even knowing it and it was a very fast descent into a very deep depression. I thought I was doing everything right but not knowing that I was living my life trying to meet the expectations of others, instead of what was true to me.

Even though today, we are talking about depression more because of current events and the news, it still can be hard to truly understand … unless you go through it. It’s kinda like a tsunami of loneliness and deep sadness crashing down on you and filling up your lungs with emptiness. I described it to my therapist as being sucked down into quicksand with no rescue options. Luckily, with a lot of therapy and love from my family and friends, I have spent the last three years rebuilding a new mindset, life and tools for self care. I learned to put myself first before anything else. I have learned to accept who I am and that my best is good enough. And that growth comes from developing resilience and is measured by how we come back from loss, suffering and other crappy things that naturally come our way. As difficult as my losses were, they were by no means the end of my journey … which brings me here with you today.

I’m still a rather young millennial so I don’t think it’s my job to stand here and tell you my regrets and advice on what you should or should not do. Instead, I’m sharing some questions that I think about as a reminder to myself to be present in the moment. These questions are vital to answer while I continue designing my life to be more emotionally fulfilling, mentally peaceful and socially enriching.

First, ask yourself, how do you want to feel when you grow up?

How many of you have been asked by others, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Me? Too many times to count. This question ingrains in us… the idea that the only important thing about our future, is what job we have. When I was born, my mom told me that I should be a doctor or a lawyer. I didn’t question it, but took it as an order to fulfill. I took classes, read books, and participated in competitions to prepare myself to become a doctor. And that was just high school. Then, I changed my mind and decided to study to public relations. The first idea you have …or subjects you study… may not be where you end up. But the pursuit of learning, being curious and expanding your mind is something you can take into any life. Surprise! I am not a doctor nor in public relations. Now, when I ask myself how do I want to feel when I grow up? The answer is: fulfilled, safe, heard, valued and inspired.

How you feel is not insignificant. It matters because it is the basis for all of our decisions and action in life.

Two, how do you define success?

My parents are immigrants who came to the US over 40 years ago from Vietnam escaping war. They were lost at sea and hijacked by Thai pirates just before being saved by oil tankers. They were held in refugee camps in Malaysia and Korea, all by the age of 18. Around the same age you are now. Growing up in the US, when I was 18 I was looking for a prom dress. As a kid of immigrants, I interpreted their messages of their struggle to survive, as the need to design my life to be the life they never had: financially stable and physically safe. To get there I thought I needed power, money and recognition. So I compared myself to others and searched for these things my whole life. Until I hit the uncomfortable feeling of uncertainty and heartbreak.

With my life changing drastically I did a lot of soul searching. Being the data driven person I am, I’d wander around the park in Brooklyn with my dog, Finn, and find myself giving a poll to random and perfect strangers. I asked people, “What do you expect from life? How do you define success?” The answer was never money or power. From hundreds of these chats, I now am able to define my idea of success as making new friends, having new experiences and surrounding myself with great people.

This has brought me the most joy every. single. day.

Thirdly, are you showing emotional integrity? Vulnerability?

You’ve probably heard of the buzzword, emotional intelligence which has been a flying around for a while. If you haven’t, it’s the capacity to be aware of, control, and express your emotions. To handle relationships empathetically, putting yourself in their shoes.

It’s a great quality to have. But what people don’t really talk about as much, which I think is the secret to productive relationships, is: Emotional Integrity.

It’s the courage to spend some time with yourself to acknowledge your own true feelings, needs and desires without the worry of others judging you. Being 100% honest with yourself. It is the ability to know how you feel and be vulnerable enough to share it. Sometimes it even means speaking out loud the shame you may feel in order to not feel alone.

That’s really freaking hard if you have FOMO and if you’re a people pleaser. It is equally as hard if you don’t like hurting people’s feelings. And even harder if you don’t know how to get in touch with your own feelings. College is full of that. I didn’t know who I really was and found myself giving into peer pressure. Whether it was drinking or chasing boys. I was trying to be somebody that others would accept without question, but at the expense of myself.

Finding your voice and speaking up is true bravery.

Four, who is on your team?

Not your baseball team, not your fantasy football team. Who are your people and your community? These are your go-tos. Since high school up until a few years ago, I kept as many people in my life for fear of being alone. But I had few relationships that were of true connectedness because I was unable to be vulnerable and authentic. I kept toxic people in my life even though they weren’t serving my best interests.

Your community matters because these are the people who are there for you in need. When you have an idea or a dream, they are the people giving you the pep talk. When you run into a challenge, they help talk out the options for action. They are not the fixers nor the advice givers. They are the huggers with open arms and the ears ready to listen to you.

It took me a long time to build a safe space and exercise empathy to find people that could accept me for me.

Lastly, are you saying yes?

During my depression, I felt lost. I had no hobbies or sense of purpose. When I asked for advice, everyone said to me, “Just follow your passion.” How incredibly vague. I wish I was lucky enough to know what my passion was at an early age. Confused, and still alone, I realized I need to start doing something to figure this out. So, I just started saying ‘yes’. Summer of Yes to be exact.

When someone said, “Do you wanna…” the answer I followed up with was always yes, within reason. There are downsides to this method, like not sleeping for three months and questionable activities. But the positives were great. I made so many new friends and ultimately I wasn’t just saying yes to suggestions…most importantly, I was saying yes to experiences. I traveled to foreign countries, learned to surf, and went skydiving. I have met friends from across the world connecting over our emotions, interests and humanity. What I was really doing was living and doing things that inspire me. I’m not saying go balls to the wall.

But, when you say yes to what inspires you, you find your passion.

College is the time to learn HOW to answer these questions. To learn what you can’t get from reading books. You get to learn how to design your life as you want. It’s the time to make mistakes, get messy, feel scared. Take risks and be open, because if you aren’t feeling scared then you’re not learning anything new. You have the freedom to explore what inspires you. So show up and be your true self. Here, is where you can find your tribe. Those who lift you up, support you, know you and accept you. Who teach you it’s okay to not be okay. And that it’s also okay to ask for help.

So, after all of that, did I finally do what I’m telling you to do? Yes.

After I made it out on the other side of the storm, I had to ask myself these questions in order to learn how to really start living. I found my tools of therapy and resources of community. I found my passion in traveling, writing and figuring out how I want to help others with mental health and self care. Yet again, I am about to take another risk. This time in life and not in my job. I’m setting out in a totally new journey of self discovery by quitting my corporate job next week and saying goodbye to a paycheck as I prepare to travel the world for a few months. I’m 40% terrified and 60% excited.

I know this seems like a lot. But let me just leave you with this:

Here, is where you can start exploring your true self. You can explore what makes us human and how we are all the same. That very sameness is how we are all connected to each other. And that connection is powerful.

Here and today is the start of your story. So, just be right here.”


Originally published at www.wildtypebeauty.com.

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