The Path of Anxiety
I have lived with Anxiety disorder since age 13, my experience at that age was chaos, what everyone saw was a shy boy, “don’t worry, he’s adjusting” they would say. In truth I was nervous, paranoid, insecure, angry. Every day, everything I did and how I acted was being defined by my frustration, and my fears. I become very good at wearing masks, until the mask began to wear me. I begin to forget who I was, 14 years later at age 27 life crumbled beneath me. The many mask I wore left me with emptiness. Left me lost, and further frustrated.
I thought my life couldn’t get any worse, I hit bottom I was going from relationship to relationship. Keeping a job was almost impossible, three month’s at a time. The repressed anxious self had won. I began to question how. How did I make it, how was I surviving with dead ends year after year. I sat and thought, the only thing that was keeping me alive was something else, it always gave the strength to move a step closer and with every step I ended up in the right place. I realized God had been there every step of the way. I was just blinded by my own hate, blinded and jaded from trauma that had left me with deep anger. That made me hate myself. I was fed up and one late night I was guided to information on yoga, meditation in particular.
I often want to say yoga and meditation. Meditation is a part of yoga it’s considerably the most important part of it. It changed my life. It’s started with the need to connect with what I felt secretly giving me guidance. I was tired of not being able to breath in my own skin. I was tired of feeling entitlement to progress if I just lived life on virtues that I wanted for the world but not actively using them in my life. I should be rewarded, that was trying. That was not the case, I began to meditate as I pushed my self to calm the storm within me day after day, it began to open my eyes to realize that I needed help. One year after my first meditation I was evolving. Yet all of my frustrated self wasn’t gone it had changed with me to, that’s when someone helped me realize and pointed out that I was always anxious, closed, and distant. I had suppressed my anxiety. Like many people anxiety often due, because we believe that were just frustrated. I sought therapy, and God found me one, a Buddhist. Which help me further evolve my use of Yoga.
Keeping a schedule is a topic for another time, but believe me it was a rough ride. I’m proud that I didn’t give it up. That I continued. A long with therapy to help me manage my anxiety. I started to see how much unbalanced energy I had created and manifested for myself. That why I’m here, because I want to help others.
I’m all, and one is all. God is you and me. The Higher Power is everything. We are change, we shape our destinies and the state of this world.