Knowing the unknown
There is some sort of peace when I am surrounded by books, whether it is the quietness, or the bit of being alone, I am not sure, however I find it can settle whatever seems to be brewing inside of me. I wonder why I am feeling like I am a teapot, hissing, about to spurt boiling water of everyone in shooting range, with no care for who is actually in range and who isn’t. Sometimes I feel like this, and today, this morning, has been good. I have been attentive in class, I have thought of questions, I have written everything down.
However, not many of my associates have acknowledge me besides a hello, and from their conversations I am overhearing, they are having quite in depth discussions about some other event, which I haven’t heard of before, providing information that they are speaking to each other regularly and developing a friendship. This is something that is very difficult for me to do, to develop a meaningful friendship, and feeling comfortable on both ends. I only have one relationship where I feel 100% and entirely comfortable, happy and content with — and that is my partner. I have been close with people, and some people are under the impression that they are close to me, or are my ‘best’ friend, however, truth be told, I actually find their presence uncomfortable when I am one on one with them, or even in a group.
I find I am able to easily make acquaintances, actually I think I do that very well.
I am able to chat and form a connection with nearly everyone I come across, I am friendly with everyone, and I am never intentionally mean. Except that is where I like it, that is what I am comfortable with, and that is how I feel I need to keep it, or else the uncomfort, mini panic attacks happen. Why is this? What I so long for is something that nearly always makes me uncomfortable. What is stopping me of progressing each relationship to a actual platonic relationship? Is it some form of mental illness? Does it date back to my not so distant childhood, and being the only child of the household, with a significant age gap between child and mother and father? Is it that that part of me is so fulfilled by my relationship with my partner, that I don’t actually need anyone else (it sounds unhealthy when I type it out)!
Or is it that I am innately a ‘loner’ and that is something that is me, whether I like it or not. That the sound of my own thoughts is what calms me, (egotistical much?), and when I am around other people, other voices, things overwhelm me.
I have always needed to have a place of time out so to speak, in preschool it was with mum and dad, or even by myself, in primary school, I pretended I was sick, so much so that I have over 1/3rds of a year off in yr 6. In high school, I went to a teachers office who had a relaxed caring but I don’t care vibe about her, where I would sit on her comfy chair and just try and rewind. And now I find I am doing that when, yet again, I am placed under social pressure, I am wanting to retreat back into my safe space, I have found the library once again, with the thousands of pages absorbing majority of the sound that is ever so briefly made. I initially went to a lecturers office, however no one was home, I am unsure why I did that, maybe, just like in high school, I have created a safe space there, with someone who understands that sometimes things just get to much in my brain. I do not want to overuse that resource, so it is probably appropriate and for the best interest that no one was there today. After all, I am an adult, who has to take care of herself. So hence why I am typing to me, myself and I once again, a regular occurrence for me.
I am trying to figure out what actually set me off, whether it was the change of plan for the afternoon, the early lunch, the extended lunch, the fear that the people who changed the timetable didn’t actually remember the timetabled sessions properly and miscalculated and gave us an extended lunch even though we should have had a shortened lunch. Or the tone of voice and the look from a lecturer that she gave me when I said (amongst other voices) that there was a timetabled meeting that is isolated and independent from their lecturers, thus, couldn’t be change, and the “we know” response. Looking over my past few sentences, I think it is pretty easy (now) to see why I could be feeling this way…