Self talk y’all.

Today I drove for discount cab. Driving for 12 hours is tiresome. Driving is not a job that feeds the soul. Its hardly even a job at all. I made about 7.50 an hour today. I drove a car that was nearly falling apart, the motor shook and the engine ticked. I drove in neighborhoods I am not familiar with at all, some were classy and enjoyable , and some were places I hope to never have to live in. I took bathroom breaks any where I could , but held it in as long as I could mostly. My maps, I swear are bugged and enjoys playing head games with me. I get extremely frustrated and end up not driving like a decent , law abiding adult. I meet people who wanna talk random ass small talk. When it’s silent I feel so appalled to talk random small talk because I have it in my head that I need to entertain them. When really I’d like to just pick em up, drop em off and somehow still earn big bucks . I’d like to earn more then 7.50 an hour. But after paying for the car, the car wash, the gas, and the service fees for all the calls I get, 7.50 is considered a good day.

But it was my first day driving for discount. There’s room for improvement , growth, and how to get around small talk. Tomorrow I can focus on improving, even if its just one percent.

But what is not okay, is the way I talked to myself in my head after the day was done. OK, so not the day per se, but the driving part for discount cab was definitely over.

All of a sudden though, I was talking some mad shit to myself. Like I’m trash, I look like trash, I’m trashy entertainment for the world to laugh at, I’m fat and a disgusting nobody . Blah blah blah.

That’s just a sliver of how awful I was talking to myself. I even broke myself down into tears .

Who does that?

Codependents do!! Especially codependents who were raised like that. People like me who never received love , and nurture , never got a pat on the back, I was never asked how I felt , and I was the family scapegoat and the targeted family problem. I was the family trash.

After the bus ride, then a mile walk home. After crying more and beating myself up some more for not having my life together.. I arrive to my house. I settle in, eat my dinner and I wonder…..wonder why I allowed my self to straight up trash talk myself into tears.

I mean, I’ve been told everything happens for a reason. Maybe God wants me to just be busy, and it’s not about the money. Maybe I am human and it was my first day and I can and will definitely improve, and I deserve to give myself my own pat on the back. Maybe God wants me to learn something new and it’s not about the money.

But God blessed me today. He has provided me an opportunity to get by. Even if it’s just enough to get by. I have shelter, and I walk among the earth every day. I get to hear the birds chirp, the ducks quack, and the smooth waters running thru the canal. Maybe that’s what it’s all about, getting connected to the things that really matter.

One thing is for certain though. I’m not trash, and I do deserve a better life. But most important I deserve to look at the good in all that I do. It may appear mediocre to the outside world that I’m just a cab driver. But ill be dammed if it doesn’t take all my pride and humility to show up every day, walking and bussing it…. All be dammed if it doesn’t take some skills . Holy hallelujah, if the calls ain’t coming in you gotta find a way to get one. Are you aware that every person I meet is a stranger? I was taught all my life to not talk to strangers, but now , not only am I talking to your ass I’m entertaining you so I can make the Benjamin’s.

So I apologized to myself and gave myself a pat on the back. I am not used to the life I live now with all the new awakenings, and work I have to do to heal my child good wounds and to remove the bad programming from my head.

At the end of the day, all I can say is that’s its not and never was my fault, its my programming that was downloaded from people who were incapable of giving me what I needed.

So I lay me down to sleep, reminding myself that I am enough. I am a child of the grand creator. I am so able to make cab driving bring in the big bucks, and to be proud of cab driving because its just a step that I am using to full fill my hopes and dreams. It’s a gift God has given me and he has a plan for his child. I may rest now and remove each negative thought with a positive one, after all I did work my tail off and I am allowed to be proud of that.