Overcoming your name calling.

When I sat on your lap, wanting your love and as your hand rubbed my bruises. I was so confused. I was overflowing with these thoughts , these beliefs. Love Hurts. Love leaves Marks. Love is never honest. I am worthy of nothing more.

AND YET YOU CALLED ME RETARDED?

Remember when I was sick when I was around 7 or 8 and I had the runs. You made me stay in the corner in my shitty pants, on one leg, in front of my little brother. I was full of shame and embarrassment. I was not nurtured, not loved, not respected.

AND YET YOU CALLED ME RETARDED ?

One night while you and mom were fighting in your room. I was in my room pacing. I didn’t know you were going to open your door, but you did. You busted into my room like a mad man, and you attacked me like I had just robbed some one. Yet I was just pacing, waiting for the fight to end . Waiting for the noise to go down.

AND YET YOU CALLED ME RETARDED ?

Remember when you and your friends were looking at my breasts, looking at my lady humps, my curves? My innocence, my sacred grounds, and you and your friends were talking about taking my virginity, my forbidden fruit. A part of me that I needed to be told was sacred, special and is meant to be shared with a man and a woman who were so madly , deeply in love.

AND YET YOU CALLED ME RETARDED?

All my life, since the day I was under your care, you did all that you could do to always make me look crazy, emotional, and wrecked. Well I was. You called me a thief, a druggie, a slut and a piece of shit. But I was just a product of your abuse.

AND YET YOU CALLED ME RETARDED?

Remember the last time you slapped me ? Yes you were fighting with me , trying to convince me , that I was wrong for having a Hispanic girl. You racist bastard, she fucking loved you !! And when you hit me, as I stood up for me and my baby, you hit her too.

AND YET YOU CALL ME RETARDED?

You broke me, you damaged me, you put bad programming in my head, you gave my closet demons, you destroyed my childhood. You ruined me from the insides out. With all the damage that has been done, you still effected a lot of my adult hood. We dont have to be in each others lives for me to feel your presence. I hear you where ever I go.

Sally go , Go achieve your goals and dreams.. your whispering voice says “You’re retarded”

Sally , You can do whatever you put your mind too.. your whispering voice says “You’re retarded”

Sally, love does not hurt.. your whispering voice says “You’re retarded”

Sally, you are beautiful… your whispering voice says “ You’re retarded”

I struggle and I am struggling everyday . But I have come come to the conclusion , Stage father, The show is over ! It is not me here, that is retarded. Im guarded, I’m bombarded, I have been discarded, I am hardened. . Retarded??? NO !!

Truth be told now, My father, My perpetrator, My Narcissist, My abuser , that you need to know that … and I need to say

THAT

YOU ARE RETARDED!

Wait.. That doesn’t feel good. There’s something about saying that, that makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s an awful feeling, unsettling to say the least.

Please audience forgive me.

Stage show father, I ask that you forgive me as well. I am not the type of person that acts like that. It’s not okay for me to call you names.

Aside from what you demonstrated to me, I feel good when I admit my mistakes. I receive a sense of joy, when I do what’s right. What is that called? Integrity.

In spite of you, and all that you put me through, I have rose above. I have found love, I’m not confused what that is today. Love is me standing here today, and sharing my story. Love is that in spite of you , I am full of joy, happiness, and love. Love for me, myself and I.

In spite of you, I’m compassionate. I’m an imperfect human being and I’ve been through some shit. I’m learning all that I can to improve and grow everyday.

In spite of you I’m learning to be expressive, to say my feelings, to discover my feelings and to be okay with them. I’m okay with however others respond. I do my best to listen to others when they are communicating with me.

In spite of you , I can trust . I can trust myself. I really try hard to understand that I’m not perfect but I’m always trying and willing. I don’t have a need to gossip or to share what people share with me. I can stick to my commitments.

In spite of you I get my needs met. I validate my needs and feelings. Today I set boundaries and I can express when others are not respecting my boundaries.

In spite of you, I’m a miracle who has not allowed what you’ve put me through, to change me, or my beliefs and values.

I’m proud of what I’ve overcome and I’m proud to be me, no matter what has happened to me.