I am everything, everywhere, all at once
Over the weekend I watched Everything, Everywhere All At Once twice. Both times I was glued to my cinema seat, crying and full of jangly feelings — seeing my ADHD brain and aspects of my life — my experiences and feelings of failure, self-realisation and family, playing out in glorious, riotous colours and sounds on the screen.
The backstory
If you aren’t aware, Evelyn, the main character has undiagnosed ADHD, as does one of the directors and writers, Daniel Kwan (who discovered his diagnosis whilst researching for the film).
This movie, obviously, when you look at it now, was made by someone with ADHD.
The Daniels on the ADHD theory of “Everything Everywhere All at Once,” paper cuts and butts
I fall into the ‘late diagnosis’ category of neurodivergence, specifically ADHD-C. That’s combined inattentive and hyperactive ADHD. The hyperactivity is mostly internal, which explains why it wasn’t noticed when I was younger (I’m also Gen X which had one version of ADHD when I was at school — the boy who liked to bounce around the classroom and throw things).
Since diagnosis, my understanding of myself has increased hugely, but so have the enormous, overwhelming feelings I’ve lived with my entire life. And this film has helped me crystallise those feelings, and knowledge into something that I am able to articulate.
Everything
Accepting that this mildly chaotic, endlessly curious, rejection sensitive, interest driven or interested in nothing, oversharing, enthusiastic, energetic or exhausted, big hearted, wanting to do everything everywhere all at once and also do nothing person is ME…has been painful.
Until diagnosis last year, I have worked for most of my entire adult life on changing this version of me. Because I believed it was the version of me that appeared when anxiety and depression joined the chat. So logically, once I got those 2 conditions under control, I would be like everyone else, calm, decisive, driven, focused.
And when I did learn to manage anxiety, that person wasn’t there. So I journalled harder and examined myself more and tried so damn hard to get to that version of myself.
That person doesn’t exist. My expectations of myself are based on neurotypical people, people that I will never be because my brain isn’t wired that way. I will never be that person.
Everywhere
I am this person. Mildly chaotic, endlessly curious, rejection sensitive, interest driven or interested in nothing, oversharing, enthusiastic, energetic or exhausted, big hearted, wanting to do everything everywhere all at once and also do nothing is ME.
And there is pain and relief in recognising it. And honestly, a small part of me doesn’t like these behaviours, I feel shame and fear of rejection. That’s what I can work on, letting go of the shame of being me. And I can remind myself that there are people who I love who already see this person, and see me with kindness and love.
Medication has freed me from the cage that I was in. I am free of anxiety. It only returns when I am trying to squeeze myself back into the cage, masking at work to tone down my question asking or problem solving or enthusiasm or oversharing.
All at once
This is me. Mildly chaotic, endlessly curious, rejection sensitive, interest driven or interested in nothing, oversharing, enthusiastic, energetic or exhausted, big hearted, wanting to do everything everywhere all at once and also do nothing.
Thank you Daniels and A24 for creating this magnificent piece of art, that is now part of my ADHD puzzle. Safely slotted into the right space, with a google eye on top.
