Your story is powerful. I see the signs of health in you because you are not only honest online using a pseudonym but also honest with your wife and you have tried to be honest with therapists.Yes she is right that denial of the consequences is so compelling. How wonderful would it be if we could just snap our fingers and dismiss the whole mess.
Yes therapists are expensive, I agree. Its very frustrating. I love mine and she has done wonders for me but I do get tired of the expense.
Growing up with a father who molested children and a mother who shared this with you under the guise of being churchgoing is mind blowingly crazy making. This is TRAUMA in capital letters.
Yes you will remain stuck and obsessed with whatever mechanism you are using to resolve this trauma, healthy or unhealthy. I am guessing that writing might be obsessive for you as it allows you to work through the trauma. Yes repetition compulsion and transference are real issues to consider for you.
A good therapist will work with you and help you to feel safe. I do group therapy and yours is not the worst story I have ever heard. There are therapists who are good at what they do who will work with you.
I understand what you are saying about being male and how your trauma does not get sympathy because people consider you dangerous. Personally I have seen many people in therapy and I have found that those who are open and who remain part of a community do not act out in dangerous ways any more than other people.
I think society sucks when it comes to this. Some things are ‘bad’ and ‘scandalous’ but no one is interested in what really needs to be done to prevent the abuse of children. I wonder if some of this is because there are many men who are too scared to have this issue talked about?
When we abandon men like you, we abandon children too. The number of kids who get molested is alarmingly high but we tend to turn the other way and pretend like nothing is happening and fail to do what it takes to keep the most vulnerable among us safe.
I have found group therapy to be extremely powerful. I also see a lot of people gain from 12 step groups.
My best to you.