Stop.

It’s 2.30 am and I’ve never been more awake than this. Lately I’ve been having troubles sleeping. It’s not like I’m not sleepy or something, because I am. I want to sleep, put my body in a rest, but those little voices in my head are never sleepy. Heck, they become louder, wilder and more cruel at nights, whispering all kind of words and sentences I don’t want to hear. And in the end, I always end up sleeping at 5ish am and it is never a good sleep. I keep waking up due to some really bad dreams— I am so used to having bad dreams ever since my grandfather died — and then I will have troubles going back to sleep. I wake up feeling exhausted and tired and moody and my emotions are all over the place. I feel like a pregnant zombie with a massive mood swings.

I hate this. I hate how quiet my bedroom is and yet, my head is so noisy. Never had I heard silences scream this loud. I hate those tiny little voices inside my head. They exist. They do. And I have tried to fight them off but they’re too many and I am alone. I am outnumbered. I am helpless. I am alone. I am alone. I am alone. I cannot fight them off. I have tried so many times and they always won, celebrating their victory inside my own goddamn head. They messed me up real good, taking a huge space on my head, making my head their home, getting comfortable there, killing my sanity.

Or maybe I should stop fighting them off. Maybe I should welcome them instead. Befriend them and believe everything they told me. Maybe I should drown myself in those little voices living inside my head until life finally drowns me away for good.