Anti New Years and other lies
“ Whiskey makes the heart beat faster but it sure doesn’t help the mind and isn’t it funny how you can just ache from the deadly drone of existence?” — Charles Bukowski
“ Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead” — Charles Bukowski
It’s December 31st, 2019 and I’m staring at these quotes on the wall, at my favourite dingy bar in Boston. Named Bukowski, after one of my favourite poets, till I found out that he casually beat up his wife. It was a weird feeling reading his quotes, and sitting in an echo chamber of his thoughts. The vibe is a beat up old bar, where starving artists would visit, they play old school hipster rock records, and today it gives me the vibe that they’re trying too hard to be edgy. For example, they had an Anti New Years party poster put up, which implies that people were still attending a party to protest against a norm about partying. It’s not like the irony was lost on me, it was just losing it’s charm of an old bar with history, as it’s trying to counter a narrative, instead of just simply existing.
Kumail enters, we talk about New Years and what it means. We would be anywhere but here, we both wanted to be home, but sometimes I guess life gets in the way, and we were trying to create some kind of little joys here. Better to spend New Year’s with a friend, I guess, than alone, because it’s dictated that we must be out enjoying it.
“I wonder why the arbitrary division of time must be celebrated, I guess we’ve completed a time period, but don’t we do that all the time” Kumail is devoting his life to figuring out our existence in this universe, but through images of stars, quantum physics and abnormal amounts of coffee. He’s basically living his life based on looking at the bigger picture, and a lot of science based decision making.
“I think it puts too much pressure on this day, that we have to be out and about, doing something. Maybe humanity invented it as an excuse to look forward to something and probably looking at the past as bygones as an excuse to be better” Being a rehabilitation professional, I call BS, I know self-development happens when you want it to, sure if you can stick to a resolution, that’s great, but there was obviously a lot of internal nagging, and willpower required to push through, which isn’t as rosy as they make it look.
I’m a beer down, and I realise that I’ve made a lot of bad decisions that year, a lot of unintentional growing up but also learnt a lot from it, especially with bureaucratic healthcare systems (this will make sense later, I promise)
I ask Kumail to make a promise to me. Obviously it’s partly the alcohol and pure weirdness, that leads me to this. “If I screw up my life, the coming year, by self-sabotage or doubting myself or anything, just slap me. But not in like the usual way, because that would be abusive, but more in the way that my neurons rearrange themselves so that I can be more responsible, capische?”
Obviously, since we’re in the States now, we’re worried about lawsuits.
“Okay since, you gave me permission to slap you, you won’t sue me if you end up seriously injured, right?” We come to this, after denoting that s was a variable for slap, and trying to perform the mathematical equation for what is an appropriate level of force that neurons could rearrange themselves, but not terribly that I don’t get seizures or end up damaging some of the lobes in my brain losing essential function (Although that would be a riot, considering I initially wanted to work with patients who had neurobiological conditions) Also surprise: There is no method to determine the right way to slap someone.
Damn it, I can’t even have my moment during New Years, in the back of my mind, I remember that my health insurance plan was changing it’s terms and conditions, and it wouldn’t even be accepted at some places I normally go to.
I manage to convince him to possibly hit me with lesser force, for the sake of a terrible health plan, which he obviously wouldn’t do, if the opportunity arises, because he would probably feel guilty after killing an ant.
We visit another bar which seems more normal, get a train ride back home, so that we can set up hammocks on the university roof (finally celebrating it the way we want to!) That was inspired by blank silences and stammered questions, of like okay what should we be doing? What do people do?
Now that the countdown is over, and this weird ritual of arbitrary time divisions is being dealt with, well we attempt to steal hammocks watch the city sleep, or party? It ends, and I call people back home in Bombay to tell them I love them. I am so confused about what 2020 holds but I go to sleep.
I write this now and it’s May, 2020. Just to recap, the year started with fires in Australia, there was a possible World War 3 and we now live in the middle of the worst pandemic the world has seen, I would give anything to participate in obligatory social rituals right now including the cliche New Year’s party and the equally cliche Anti New Years party.
I think my neurons rearranged themselves right now living in isolation, knowing that self sabotaging is probably the worst use of your time when you can still live and experience things. I probably don’t need that slap from Kumail anymore, which is great, because I’m not sure what my health plan even covers anymore!
