My Car Makes Me Feel Stoopid
I bought a BMW because it looked like the perfect combination of power and practicality. Instead, I’ve end up hating BMW and will never buy another car from them.
My last car was a really hot car, a Subaru WRX STI four-door coupe. It went really really fast, and I liked to punch it when I could. But I ended up deciding that I’m not a really-fast-car kind of guy. Instead, I like to be comfy and have my car perform too.
The next car I bought is a BMW X1 35i. Seemed like the perfect combation of power (the 35i has a 6 cylinder engine, which produces a feeling of power) and practicality (it’s a hatch back and can carry stuff around, including my grandson). I got over the fact that German cars, for some reason, never have really well designed cup holders. Or that BMW insisted on calling this car an SAV, not an SUV. It’s cool looking and relatively quick.
Then I drove it. The driving part was fine, not too complicated since it’s an automatic (although it does have paddles on the steering wheel!). First I discovered that the super cool feature of locking the door by squeezing the door handle with thumb and forefinger didn’t always work. You have to position thumb and forefinger just so. And then, every so often, I’d come back to find the car was not locked. Because I forgot? Or for some other reason?
I paired my phone using Bluetooth. But it wouldn’t always work. When I asked the service guy at the dealer, he asked how many contacts I have in my phone. (Contacts? WTF?) I have 11,000, by the way. Service guy said that BMW tried to load all the contact into memory to you can call any of them from the steering wheel (and maybe voice?). He said it choked after about 1,000. No work around.
I tried plugging the phone into USB port, which unpaired it from Bluetooth. Once unpaired, I could take phone calls on it anymore. And I could not just use the USB port for charging, because there was no way to choose that. So I was forced to use Bluetooth and the cigarette lighter charger if I wanted to use the speaker for phone calls AND play music. Although it still doesn’t always play music without me having to fiddle with the configuration.
The rain-sensing windshield wipers? Actually they don’t sense anything. You turn the wipers on. If the car is not moving, the wipers go half-time. If the car is moving, they wipe full time, regardless of how much rain is falling.
Cruise control is so non-intuitive that I have nearly run off the road trying to figure out how to turn it on. The way to turn it on is a lever that is hidden from the driver behind the steering wheel. I don’t use it. I don’t use the maps, since Google Maps on my iPhone is way better. I don’t use the radio or other audio sources (even when Bluetooth doesn’t work). I really don’t use any of the non-driving “features” of the car.
The worst ignominy is what happened yesterday: I’ve been traveling for two weeks (not driving the car). I discovered yesterday that you can lock the car when it is still running! I think this has happened before, including when I park on the street, but I let myself believe that I was just not paying attention. But yesterday, I noticed that the lights were still on so I went back to the car, unlocked it and relocked it, just to make sure.
The engine was still running the whole time. A true gentleman figured out which office I was in and came to the office to report that the lights on my car were on and the engine running.
Boy, do I feel stupid. Stoopid! Stupid for buying the car. Stupid for not being able to keep it locked or remember to turn it off or make the Bluetooth or cruise control work.
Can you imagine a car company that can make a car like this, designing a self-driving car? I can’t but I don’t really care because I will never buy another BMW again, ever. I hope I can find someone else stupid enough to take it off my hands. Volunteers?
