You are Elemental

“It took a long time to figure out that the common denominator in all of my problems was me.”

I heard a young man say this so purely and honestly, as if it were the single most important discovery of his life. Folks sitting around the table nodded their heads and smiled. It’s one of those bits of wisdom you hear in rooms where people practice recovery from addiction together. It turns from wisdom to truth when it gets personal, like something profound that has never been uttered until the day you said it about yourself.

I like to wonder what that might look like if it was turned it on its head. What if somebody could honestly say, “The common denominator in all of my successful relationships, jobs, and endeavors was me.” Of course, if anyone that great actually existed, she or he would be too humble to say it or even have it come to mind. Still, it’s a good thought exercise.

I see people say no to perfectly good opportunities, jobs, and relationships and I totally get it. Self-preservation is a really strong instinct. Instincts are better when they serve us but this one wants to drive. This one wants to live our life for us and when we let it, it’s like an inverse Midas touch that turns everything to shit.

Now, I’m not saying a person shouldn’t be reasonably careful when entering a romantic relationship or a job or anything else like that. The thing is, people reject, break up, or leave jobs too soon because they thought it wasn’t what they wanted. In many cases it could have been really great and they could have been happy.

Here’s the deal.

You are elemental to the chemical reaction. You are an ingredient in a batter that takes time to bake. If the baking soda hangs out at the side of the bowl sizing up the eggs and flour before it commits to the cake, if it gets cold feet and walks away, it’s rejecting something that doesn’t even exist yet. It’s ironic. Heck, it’s tragic. (Especially if it was going to be carrot cake.)

So, Ms. or Mr. Baking Soda person, what if you gave it time before you said no? What if you gave your best effort, your best vibes, and your optimism? What if you gave it a chance?

Even then, as I’ve found so many times, the best chemistries in my life didn’t happen just by giving them a chance. I had to give the chance a chance too. And, to me, that means having a little faith that it’ll work out when things get awkward. (Good things do, you know?) Could you give it a little bit of your own faith? What if the opportunity in front of you just needed your Baking Soda effervescence to make it the perfect fit?

Hey, there’s no guarantee you won’t get hurt. Even when it works out, all things eventually end and all things change, which often feels like an end too. But that’s another topic, isn’t it? The search for the never-ending, perfect thing that’ll make everything ok and I’ll never have to risk or get hurt again.

I’ve made a life of saying yes to most of the opportunities put in front of me and it’s been an amazing ride; scary, thrilling, and deeply satisfying these days. I just wanted to share this thing I learned with you so your ride can be amazing too; that you might be the common denominator in your successes and elemental to a chemistry that lifts the people around you.