Nostalgia — I am growing back to that place.
Earlier today, I was listening to the incredibly beautiful rendition of “Take me to the King’ by the winner of The Voice 2017 Chris Blue. He sung it with such abandon, vulnerability and feeling that it just…struck a chord with me. I can’t tell you how many time I have heard that song played over the years. The way he sung and laid out every single word felt deeply familiar to me.
It took me back to a place I haven’t been in a while. The feeling of reliquishing power and control to God. The lightness of it. How simple, nourishing and grounding it was every time I turned to Jesus without reservation. I missed the many afternoons singing hymns. I have said this before, the hymn book is one of the most profound, poetic and beautiful compositions that has ever been made. I loved the words of the hymns, I loved the stories that inspired them. I loved the people with me those afternoons. People who could do incredible things with their vocals and just make…music. Heartfelt music.
There was something delicate and raw and timeless about them and to be apart of that energy, mehn i really can’t even describe that feeling. I have learned to afirm myself and my independence (Very strongly, I must add :) But the art of healthy dependence has in my opinion been down played. And thats what i felt growing up with this music. Complete dependence on God and just overwhelming all consuming peace. and love. and joy. and faith. Like anything could happen — and alot did happen — but that dependence and faith of uttering a simple prayer when it got tough had me sorted out as I found my footing and firm ground to get through it.
I decided along time ago that there were/are basic values that no matter how far, how high or how long I travelled, I would never lose. I decided in part that everything I pursued or did would be grounded wholely in love — for myself or for others. Interestingly it is from this decision that I have come to disagree with alot of what many religions stand for. I have deviated alot from the church.
And this entire year has been about me growing into myself. Working alot on the inside and I have never been happier or more stable. Moving so far from home helped. ALOT. I have come to the realization that all I want really is security. To be secure mentally, physically, academically, emotionally, financially… Secure in the relationships and people in my life. I neglected spiritual security beacause the religion I was raised into frustrated me.
But I heard Chris perform and he brought back the beautiful things. The often impulsive prayers. When I didn’t have change in my pocket for a homeless person and I would subconsciously pray for them until I came back the next day. Leaving little well tailored verses for people who were going through things. Feeling and filling — spiritual completeness.
The security and absolute faith and optimism that I have been given enough strength to break down doors. I am going back to that place. More like I am growing back to that place. Its a beautiful thing to silence the world and its drama and BS and listen. Just listen to what you really, deeply, passionately want and need to say.