The Year of Samantha

“A year ago our lives were a mess. Falling apart. But look what all that pain launched us into. It’s not about going back to the way things were. That’s the whole point. It’s about letting life bring you to something new.”

It may come as a surprise to some, but my guiding word for 2015 was “Serenity.” From having a full time job to taking on the immense responsibility of Executive Director as a volunteer, to late night rehearsals to family crisis, to personal discovery to friendships, to dates, dinners, and dance classes, to trips, side projects and daydreaming, to healing injuries and getting an occasional nap, to a well deserved good nights rest. Without my guiding word, “Serenity”, I would have crashed and burned in 2015. That’s not to say there were not the lowest of lows from losing two of my closest friendships to completely questioning my values, beliefs, and self-worth in my pursuit of using dance for social change, but there were the highest of highs too, and in each moment that word, Serenity, empowered me to embrace, let go of and change so much of myself in my 25th year. At the end of these past 365 days I feel the most at peace with who I authentically am, inside and out, than ever before, and quite honestly feel unstoppable.

Here’s why…and yes, it’s a hella long thought:

In 2015, I fully embraced what my body needs, what I need and how to ask for it. I practiced radical self-acceptance with my mantra “what other people think of me is none of my business” and learned how to help myself, love myself and refuel myself so I can give that same love and support to others.

In 2015, I finally let go of long-held myths I’ve had about myself, my body and my destiny. This was the first full year of my life where I did not binge, purge, overexercise, starve myself, count calories, or beat myself up for not “being perfect.” Recovering from a decade long eating disorder — restriction, bulimia, compulsive exercise, binge eating and overall self-hatred — is the greatest accomplishment of my life, and a win that I will no longer apologize for recognizing or for openly talking about. I am proud of the bravery it took me to dive into the deepest darkest corners of my mind and find light and love. An unconditional love that has let me let go of the need to please everyone, and let go of the resentment I felt towards those who fueled my self-destructive habits and thought patterns.

In 2015, I changed how I view myself and how I treat myself. How I approach relationships of all kinds: friends, family, romantic. I changed what I envision for myself as a healthy and fulfilling life.

In 2015, I discovered a renewed self. One who feels her feelings and doesn’t apologize for it. One who recognizes her weaknesses from always blaming myself first to holding onto relationships for too long. I closed the door on a six year relationship with my college sweetheart, someone who I thought I would always call late at night when in despair. Now I’ve learned that I am the greatest love of my life and can rely on myself to move through difficult feelings and losses.

In 2015, there were times where I let fear hold me back whether it was fear of rejection, fear of disappointing others, fear of disappointing myself. My own harsh judgements of my body and my decisions held me back at times too.

On the flip side, I constantly practiced bravery in 2015. I began openly talking about my recovery from bulimia, I traveled back to places from my past that were triggering, I told people my feelings for them despite their unknown responses, and I put myself out there in ways I could not have imagined, like entering into a dance battle for the first time with no one else there I knew to cheer me on.

In 2015, I’ve been surprised at how unstoppable I can be. At my dance and performance abilities. At my major shifts in how I view and respect my body. I’ve been surprised at how supportive my family has been and how unsupportive some friends were, and most surprised by how despite that, it feels like my dreams are legitimately coming true.

In three words, 2015 was transformational, fulfilling and challenging. If it was a movie, I’d probably call it something cheesy like, “The Year I Became Who I’ve Always Been…The Year of Samantha.”

It was the year I said so many goodbyes. Goodbye to restriction, binging and over-exercising. Goodbye to being attached to the outcome. Goodbye to toxic relationships and to spending time with those who make me feel bad for being who I am. Goodbye to thinking I can read other people’s minds or know what will happen in the future. Goodbye to being a people pleaser, to worrying about what others think of me, and to looking to others for approval or to validate my self-worth. And goodbye to dismissing my own feelings, always blaming myself, and not correcting people when they call me Sam (it’s Samantha btw).

I now say Hello to the possibilities and energy of 2016. My word for this year is “Trust.” I choose to trust myself by following and believing in my dreams and my needs. By breathing this word into my everyday I will continue to recover from my eating disorder and manage my anxieties. I will be patient and appreciate the moments given. I will listen to what my body needs, not look for external approval, lead MY way, and do what my heart wants even if it scares me.

With Trust, I will not stress about everything, especially dance, and I will not aim to please everyone. With trust, I won’t plan too much of the future and will accept what is. With Trust, I will try to be my most authentic self.

In 2016, with Trust as my guiding word, I would like to be open-hearted, to speak from experience and not judge others, to do more of what make me happy, to follow my bliss, to dance more, go to the beach more, lay in the sun more, write more, sing more, sit still more. I would like to heal my body, rest my body, love my body and respect my body. I would like to use dance as a main tool for building self-worth, confidence, and developing my artistic voice.

2016 will be the year I finally stop giving a fuck about what others think of me and follow my own vision for my life to the fullest.

In 2016, I will nourish myself with food my body intuitively needs, people who support and understand me, work that inspires and motivates me, and movement that improves my mood.

In 2016, I will make more time for dance class, swimming, dating, singing, writing, stretching, and most importantly, sleeping.

In 2016, I will recharge my batteries by not experiencing FOMO and by traveling to far off destinations.

In 2016, I will open my heart to new people and new possibilities.

In 2016, I will release my attachment to being everyones friend and everyones everything.

My wish for 2016 is to feel free, balanced, engaged, content, serene, inspired, and on the right track.

This year I will say NO to things I don’t agree with and will vocalize them, no to taking on other people’s responsibilities, and no to compromising my dreams and ideas for people who do not support me.

This year I will say YES to positive people, to uncomfortable experiences, to silence, to quiet nights at home on the weekend, to new people, to dancing whenever I can’t stop tapping my foot, to new artistic pursuits, and to healthy habits mind, body, and spirit.

To sum it all up, in 2015 I learned how to be myself and not apologize for it, and how to set myself up for success through self-care and a support system. In 2016 I will trust I am on the right track, trust that I unconditionally love my whole self, and trust that I love my life and that I want to live every moment of it.

Here’s to a new year, a new life, a new love and the ability to take a step back, breathe, and be grateful for it all.