samantha gayle
Aug 24, 2017 · 5 min read

Hey, I’m new to medium and I’ve never used this before but I’m gonna try it out. To start this off I’m gonna tell a story about something that happened in my life 2 weeks ago today. I got a call from one of my friends saying that one of my close close close friends had been talking shit about me. Now, I’m not really one to jump to conclusions most of the time, so I didn’t really ask or do anything about it as I was going to be seeing this friend in a few days and thought I could just ask her about it then. But before I tell you the next thing that happened, I should let you know how I cope when I get mad. I like to write all my problems out in my notes on my phone. It helps me let off steam and calm down about the problem or whatever I’m upset about. The downside to this is I turn into a mean girl. One of the bitchiest, heartless, people. So I like to write rude things because I know I’m gonna be the only one reading it. Well, let’s just say I’ve had a few times when I’ve been mad at this friend who had been talking shit about me and I had written about her before. I’ll admit, we’ve had some crazy fun times together but sometimes I also don’t think she notices when something’s wrong (probably because I act like everything’s fine). And I know what you’re thinking now; she’s a two faced bitch only pretending to be this girls friend… well that’s what I thought about myself for a while too. But then I realized that I’m not. Everyone’s gonna have problems in friendships and just because I cope with my problems differently than she does doesn’t make it wrong, and just because our friendship has hit a bump in the rode at the moment, doesn’t mean it won’t be patched up because I hope one day she will forgive me for what I’ve done. Speaking of, let me get back to the next thing. So where I was going to be seeing her was going to be at my birthday dinner I was having. She said she was coming but then closer to the date messaged me saying she’ll try her best to make it. I was hurt because I’ve invited her to my birthday parties or dinners 3 years in a row, and she hasn’t came once (this year making it the third). Anyways, I was pretty mad about that, but I understand why she didn’t come. Back tracking to 2 days before the dinner; the day after I just got home from vacation. She messages me saying that I’ve been talking shit about her and how I’ve been saying she’s changed, which let me say I have never said about to anyone, other than writing it down in my notes. So I thought it was kind of convenient that my friend calls me on the same day telling me she’s talking shit about me and then she messages me saying I’m talking shit about her. Anyways, I fire back saying that I heard she was talking about me! And how I haven’t said anything about her; except in my notes. She didn’t answer and then the party came and things just went downhill from there🤦🏽‍♀️. I really should have just kept that stupid note to myself, but in the moment she asked to see it; I thought it would help the situation. But the minute after I sent it, I realized that I wrote that note at multiple times when it was rough for me. At times when i was vulnerable, when the slightest thing made me lose it, and again when I was being a cold, heartless, bitch. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read that note over these past two weeks and regretted everything I’ve written in there. I shouldnt have even written that stupid note! I could have found other eays to deal with my shit but no. Every time i read that note i ball my eyes out and i relaize i dont deserve to have her. Shes been so good to me snd i wish i could be more like her tbh. The way i am in the note, is nothing like i really am. I’m definitely trying to change the way I get when I’m angry because I just shut everyone out and keep to myself. The thing is, I don’t like making people mad. So many problems that I have I don’t like telling people about, because I see how sad they get and how it just changes everything. That note that I wrote has been from these past 3 years I’ve known this friend. Many things that were written don’t even make sense! And when I look back on the whole note now, I realize that I’m actually a bad friend. I don’t deserve to have this girl as a friend. Everyone has flaws and I have to learn to accept them instead of pointing them out or getting upset everytime a mistake is made or when something I don’t like happens… in the end of all this I have reaized over these past two weeks of not taking to one of my best friends what an important part of my life she is and how I don’t want to be mad at her anymore. I was trying to go into grade 12 with a clean slate, but I think by trying to clean my slate I’ve made more enemies and lost more friends than I planned. I hope she can forgive me one day eventually or talk to me again if she wants but for now, I’m just gonna leave this here and send her the link and hopes she reads it. This is one of her fav apps I think so I hope she’ll take a look. I realize what I did was wrong and I should never put anyone what I put one of my best friends through. And i know this does not make up for anything ive said/done but i still wanted you to know. I’m so so so so so so so sorry. And if you’ve read this far pls just message me so I know you read it. I love you❤️ and pls don’t change for me, or for anyone else. Only change for yourself❣️

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