This is Me
I’m a quiet person. I’m content in moments of silence; my thoughts are clear and my mind is focused.
I’ve always been quiet. In person, in class, on social media, in group chats. I don’t know really know why and I don’t really know if it’s a bad thing or not. Does that make me an introvert? Probably. But I’m okay with that. I wouldn’t go as far to say that I take pride in it but I’ve never really seen it as being a huge problem.
When I was in secondary school, there was one thing I could guarantee hearing from my teachers at parent consultation meetings: ‘You’re too quiet’. Being told you’re too anything isn’t usually a comforting thing to hear. The fact that they drew attention to it as something negative bothered me. It played on my mind throughout school, but I didn’t really know how to change it. At Sixth Form, I finally began to realise how much quieter I was in comparison to other students. Around close friends, it wasn’t an issue, but amongst louder extroverts, I felt out of place.
I think being aware of how quiet you are makes it worse. That is, when others openly point it out, it only serves to increase my self awareness and I’m that much quieter as a result. Rather than speaking more, I’ll start thinking more. Thinking about how others must perceive it, and what assumptions they must be making, namely:
a) That there must be something wrong
b) That I would clearly rather be anywhere else
c) That I must be pissed off about something
d) That I clearly just want to be left alone
e) That I must be a boring person who has nothing to say
f) That I must be hatching an evil plan to take over the world
They’re probably not, but I think it nonetheless. I think it’s a matter of perception in society. We live in a world where confident, outspoken people thrive. If you don’t fit this criteria, well there must be something wrong with you. You’re judged if you say the wrong thing, you’re judged if you say nothing at all.
And sure, you could argue that quietness is just a result of social anxiety, being shy or lacking confidence. I’ll readily admit I suffer from all of these, but I would imagine most people do at some point in their lives. I think it’s all too easy to lump these traits together with introversion or quietness. The thing is, I don’t always feel socially anxious, or shy, or lacking in confidence, but I always feel like I’m quiet.
I don’t know why I’m quiet. Perhaps it’s because I just don’t feel the need to say whatever’s on my mind all the time or because I don’t feel obliged to fill the void of silence like others do. Perhaps it’s because I’m just comfortable being quiet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t enjoy conversation, because I do, and if anything being quiet has helped me develop other qualities. I feel as though I’m a good listener, and generally quite a thoughtful and considerate person.
It was probably quite fitting that I chose to study in Finland for my year abroad. If there’s one thing Finland is known for other than sauna, Nokia and reindeers, it’s quiet people. Towards the end of my first semester in Finland, I lost my granddad. I didn’t really feel the need to tell anyone or to make my feelings known. I just felt the need to cycle to a lake and sit in the quiet…in the snow…in -10 degrees.
When I came to university, I told myself that I would make more of an effort to get out of my comfort zone, and become a louder, more outspoken person. That was clearly easier said than done. As much as people like to say, I don’t think you really can re-invent yourself. Not very easily anyway. And as cliché as it is, you are who you are.
Perhaps I’ll just move back to Finland, and seek solace in the quiet.
Anyway, I’ll shut up now, I’m a quiet person after all.
