I Want to Save My Marriage

I Need to Stop Being Honest With My Husband

Photo Art by Nick Brown

I want to clarify right away I’m not talking about cheating or doing anything devious against my husband.

I’ve always believed in honesty in marriage… until recently.

When we both met over twenty years ago, we were both going through some positive life changes that made us feel better about ourselves. We hit it off right away and were very happy.

Then certain situations occurred causing both of us to become depressed. We were both prescribed anti-depressants by our doctors. We changed our situation and things improved for us… for a while.

While my husband grew up in a loving home environment, I did not. Though there were many times he experienced sadness and a lack of self-worth. We’ve always understood each other in that way

My history prior to meeting my husband includes physical, verbal, sexual abuse, and suicidal thoughts and attempts for more years than I can admit without crying… or crumbling into a panic attack or screaming. I still have nightmares about my past.

I guess you could say I’ve always been mentally ill. I have been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, panic disorder, and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. In addition, I have a multitude of physical illnesses.

My husband insists he loves me and does so much for me, but I honestly don’t understand how he can love such a messed up person like me, especially since my mental and physical conditions have worsened.

I’ve been crying every day for about a year now. I’m suddenly overwhelmed with deep sadness and I begin to sob so hard my entire body is shaking. Sometimes he’s at work and when he comes home and asks me how I made it through the day I’ve been honest with him. When he’s here and sees me crying, he feels it’s his responsibility to make me feel better. I’ve insisted that’s not his job. It’s my job and the job of my doctors to help me improve my mental and physical health.

Unfortunately, treatment isn’t going very well. I’ve tried too many psychiatric medications that don’t work. I’ve been psychiatrically hospitalized three times over the past six years for suicidal intention and attended out-patient treatment sessions upon discharge. Yet, I remain unable to cope with life.

I continue to have suicidal thoughts because I feel like I’m a burden to my husband. I’m unable to work or function as he does. I feel inadequate and embarrassed. My disabilities make me feel like I’m less of a person… worthless.

Still, my husband feels responsible for “fixing” me and I feel selfish for being so needy and sad. That’s not a burden he should have and I told him so. He argued that I’m his wife and his responsibility.

While I am in awe and truly appreciative of his love for me, I don’t believe I deserve it. I love him dearly and believe he deserves to be with someone who can keep up with him and who’s not so mentally damaged.

I’m trying to help myself, but we all know mental healthcare is seriously lacking in this country. The number of people who take their own life each year is staggering.

Because I love my husband more than words can describe and don’t want him to worry so much about me, I have decided to no longer tell him about my anxieties and frightening feelings. If I feel tears coming on, I will do my best to feign a sneezing and coughing attack and run to the bathroom.

I don’t believe this is being dishonest. I believe it is being kind and doing the right thing. It’s my way of doing what I can to prevent dragging him down with me. I want him to live a happier life than he is living now, even if it’s without me. It would devastate me to lose him, but I’m so mentally ill, I want what’s best for him.

I know I’m not the only one in this situation and I wonder how others handle it. I welcome all comments and suggestions.

Thank you for reading. If you are in my situation, I wish you comfort and peace.

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My husband and I began rescuing dogs over 20 years ago. They are our furry family and we do everything we can to help fill their lives with love, health, and happiness. We rescue the old, sick, unwanted, damaged, and on death row. Each special soul we save changes us and remains in our hearts long after they’re gone. I also create and sell jewelry and metal bookmarks to help pay for their veterinarian expenses. Please visit: https://samanthabeachcreations.com/ to see my items. Thank you for your consideration.