Ranking the five worst hamburger buns
We all know that a potato roll is the best bun for a hamburger. What are the five worst buns? That’s easy.
5. Onion Roll
Onions go inside the burger, dumbass. Don’t put burned onion skinbits on by bread. Don’t char a carrot and slice it onto the bun either, hipster. Don’t put any burned vegetables on your hamburger bun. They’re like hardened little boogers you peel out of the inside of your nose when you wake up on a dry winter morning. (Putting onion into the hamburger patty is encouraged.)
4. Slice of Wheat Bread
Sure, that Eddie Murphy bit about sliced bread on your burger was great when he did it fifty years back. Hilarious. A burger patty should be a giant, greasy, blood-dripping hunk of dead cow. A slice of bread? It’s like a soggy wrapper peeling away from your patty. Don’t.
3. Ciabatta Roll
A ciabatta roll is like a little box that you rip apart and drag across a plate of olive oil while you’re waiting for your grandmother to come back from the restroom so you can finally order dinner and get the fuck back home. You ever try a burger in one of these? You’re trying to gnaw the bread apart, tearing at it with your incisors like some goddamn savage. No thanks, fancypants. Fuck off.
Fun fact: “Ciabatta” is Italian for “canker.”
2. English Muffin
I know what you’re thinking. “Those nooks and crannies in an English muffin would be great mayo/mustard pockets.” Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Look, slap an egg and a sausage and a cheesefood slice on there and move on with your day. Look at that picture. Does it look like those go together? It’s like some doofus trying to wear a fedora to hide his dumb head of baldingness. It won’t fit. It won’t work. It’s the second worst bun for a burger.
1. Pretzel Roll
What in the actual fuck is wrong with you? Eat a pretzel with your burger if you want. I prefer sweet potato fries, but run by Aunt Annie’s at the mall and snag a little cup of pretzel bits if that makes you happy. But, for god’s sake, don’t put a goddamn thick hunk of some Frankensteined pretzel experiment on the top of your burger. You want four times as much bread as burger? Why not just get a beef-stuff pretzel. I’m sure Pizza Hut offers that somewhere.
Look, get a potato roll and slap in a beef patty, a couple kinds of sliced cheese, a fried egg, some mayo and mustard and enjoy your life. If your focus is the bun when you make a burger, you’re a disgrace to this planet. Keep it simple and enjoy. Unless you’re drinking a gluey IPA with it, then fuck you.