10/19/17.

I don’t know why I’m sad again. It’s basically just my hormones acting up since I’m PMS-ing but still. I haven’t mastered the act of controlling my emotions everytime it overwhelms me. It’s quite worrying that I’m getting headaches again; So I’ll try to list everything down in order to be able to organize my thoughts and hopefully let it go.

  1. My mom just left. It’s only going to be a 6-day trip but I was never really good with resiliency to begin with. Then she has another trip dated on our semesterial break. It’s only been 4 hours since she left the house but I miss her. Now we’re left with my dad. Though I consider my relationship with my dad more intimate, I breathe easier around my mom. She keeps balance and stability in this house. Anyway.
  2. It’s scary to think that it’s possible I might lose someone to depression. This friend’s very passive but also very very very sad. Despite all the stuff that occurred months back, I will always always wish progress for his mental health. I have been praying for his happiness so much recently. He pushes me away but I refuse to leave. (This sounds like a pretty toxic relationship but I’m looking past that — this is someone’s life. Someone important to me, I can’t risk it.) I’ve been confronting and reaching out to friends recently because I’ve been seeing sad tweets all over my feed and I am (as much as possible) watching over all the people in my life because they are important to me and I cannot risk losing them.
  3. I feel like I’ve been engaging in nothing but empty, small talks and half-hearted relationships, and I’m getting sick of it. I want to talk to knew people and listen to their stories: what keeps them up at night, what their heart sings passionately about, what and who makes their hands warm, etc.

I feel in extremes. I cry for people I don’t know. I cry for people I do. My heart sings about things I sometimes don’t want it to; but I rather have that than be indifferent. I want to be kind and soft and warm and a breath of fresh air.

I want to be so much more.

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