a cry for help

this is going to be very melodramatic and very raw. maybe because i have not been so angry and so hurt in my life. and i am just struggling with being alive. so if you are not up for it, just skip this post. i won’t mind.

have you ever felt like the world is screwing you over? not entirely. but just certain aspects of your life just won’t go the way you planned it or the way you pictured it. and i am not trying to be a pussy millennial here, ok? i lost 2 of my best friends this week. one through sheer madness. and the other due to something completely idiotic.

i know, right? like, where do i even start?

there’s no point in getting into specifics. i lost important people in my life. and i am just so …angry and bitter about it. typing that sounded so silly. but this is how i feel and i am tired of hiding it. i am so angry and bitter that i have wished people would just fucking die. yes, it has come to that. this is what i have become. i wished death on people who (i felt) wronged me. or worse, i would wish death on people they love so that they have a bit of inkling on how much pain i am in right now. this fucking hurts. and i am so fucking desperate to hurt back.

universe, can i hate you today? God, are you there? can i be full of hate, just for tonight? can you allow me to not see the bright side of things. to not “let things slide” and have ACTUAL feelings and let my blood boil? can i be mean and speak ill of others? can i just not be the better person? can i please not list things that i am grateful for? instead, can i fucking SCREAM and then mope and then scream some more?