another morning in Auckland
There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I’m likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
this is one of those days when you wake up and you just want to look at the person next to you and you can say that life is good.
i woke up today half naked with a really bad hang over pondering how on earth i managed to close the window blinds and if i closed it before or after i got naked. i struggled with this puzzle for at least 30 minutes and i never got an answer. it shall remain a mystery to my dying day.
i’m cranky. i’m feeling really really crabby. and it has a LOT to do with Tristin. and his non-committal ways. his non-response to my brunch “food-fie” and all the other things that annoy me which he has nothing to do with. but i blame him anyway (god, i am SUCH a loser).
my friend said to me the other day: “i don’t think you ever really loved Tristin. you are in love with the idea that one day he will choose you. what would happen, if he did choose you in the future and you realise you didn’t want him? it’s such a waste of time. life is not about winning.”
and you know what, maybe she is right. i keep thinking about WHY i like Tristin or WHY i stuck it out with Luke (ex-bf) for so long even though i knew he is so wrong for me. maybe i just like the idea of being chosen. there is something so romantic about that.
When Larry Paul chose Ally, i cried.
this whole love thing and wanting it…it’s really driving me to the edge. i genuinely want to be with someone, share my life with the right person. to love without all the stupid rules. to simply love a man, for who he is. and for him to love me back for who i am.
me, the whole package. neuroses and all.