day 12 (18 more days to go)

i think am going crazy.

like, you know, more than usual.

i decided to cancel on everyone last friday and saturday night and wouldn’t even go out today (saturday) so i can stay home and just be a hermit. i’m having some sort of boy(s) trouble…….as you do, when you are going through a process.

uggggggggggg

these boys. Tristin and Dean and ….and Luke (ex-boyfriend, longest story in the world. for another time.) who seem to magically appear in my head lately. most days its Tristin. but Dean got front row seats last week cause he flat out rejected my offer of friendship. which was understandable. it didn’t really bother me, i have nothing against the guy. but it did made me think (and this is usually a dangerous thing). or maybe its just indigestion. from all the biscuits i’ve been consuming.

hmmmmmmmmmm……….i HAD a point.

Dean was not the right guy, i know this for a fact. but i feel a little….deflated. i have always been on the receiving end of a break up, never the one initiating it. we were not really together so i don’t think i “broke his heart”. but i don’t know. it just didn’t sit well with me that he would say no to being friends.

well, i guess it DID bother me.

whatever. back to Tristin.

i spent a good amount of time waiting around for his reply to my text. i am not sure why i wait. but i know that was probably 2–3 hours of my life that i will never get back. it is AGONIZING. why the FUCK am i doing this to myself? arrrrgh. the waiting is one of the worst parts of this moving on business. i hate hate hate this. and i can’t stop.

18 more days and i don’t have to deal with him again. i don’t have to see him. i don’t have to know who he is dating or fucking or whatever. i just have to survive 18 more days.

it almost feels like i am running away. and i guess i am. no shame at all, huh. this is how i deal. i run away and never look back. because i’ve been hurting. i’ve been hurting for a long time and i just need to go.

i have to go.

for me. i’m doing this for me.