being seen…to embrace
for little bird
being seen. it’s what our society is built on. but i simply don’t really understand how to do that effectively. to be seen, i have to be able to see first. and clearly. but we’re not taught this in school. to see clearly, i must want to be seen by wanting others to be seen. not watched. not ogled. but seen and acknowledged as a thread of consciousness like all others. everything wants that. not just people. trees. benches. the earth. the moon. on and on and on, out, fractal, loop. back to me. once we all see, the magic happens. it starts with me.
something told you to write again. form letters with a pen. just to keep the skill. don’t get stuck in a comfortable groove. it doesn’t matter what you write. it could be gobbledy-gook. you just like the act of forming letters on a page. start with longhand. brain moving too fast? switch to typing.
a month spent in melbourne. a month of pure freedom. spent in cafes. spent reading. spent drinking. spent watching nurse jackie. spent writing. spent dancing. spent muay tai. spent building a website. spent sleeping. spent cooking. eating. shitting. walking. wallowing. taking suggestions.
still don’t know what to do with yourself. still reading, writing, imitating. do you just imitate until you imitate your way into being bored with yourself? so bored that you spark your(real)self? there is one thing that doesn’t seem to change once you pass your mid–20s: the lack of motivation. an uncertainty about where to put your time pervades most of your decisions. the machine is working effectively. you, intelligent and aware, are so fucked up by conditioning and your fight against it that you don’t know how to interact with the world anymore. and so you cannot possibly be a threat to the machine. even now that you’ve afforded yourself nothing but time — you are so free — it’s all overwhelming, it’s all available. you know you sound like a broken record. you’re always saying the same things every time you come back to write. the themes don’t change. you are in a rut. there is no doubt. there is nothing but doubt. and you obviously don’t want to get out of it because you make no concerted, consistent effort to do so. sometimes you are at peace with this reality. other times you are bound up with anxiety, wanting to either build up your meditation and self-control habits or say fuck all that and focus on habits of a creator, of a social being. instead, you stay in limbo not giving yourself over. same story, different setting, different actors. can you have a new act?
you’re so unsure of your being that you don’t even know when you would say “fuck you” to someone and mean it. the idea is that if you just let yourself go totally and let your next moves rise naturally, then you will no longer question yourself. you will no longer imitate, you will just be. but you feel like nothing is happening. the problem is that you’re not totally letting go. you’re still waiting. still trying to control. still trying to be something for someone. you need to truly do what you want to do and absolutely nothing else. no forcing. no imitating. feel until you know what you really want to do. then do everything in your power to do it. even if that is just lazing on the couch or staring at the wall. balance that with gently pushing yourself outside your comfort zones. push past those stupid feelings of resistance because the most captivating, inspiring things are just beyond them. and you do want to be inspired, don’t you?
perhaps you should go away in isolation after all. you are not a social creature. you don’t understand the world of words. wanna scribble and say fuck it all now. wanna blame others. wanna self-deprecate. but you could also not do any of that. you could also put in a little bit of effort and set that shit aside. look at it while you put it away.
you’re still on track. this was your goal. break yourself down. destroy who you were and build anew. this in-between part is scary and filled with despair. should you ever allow yourself to get stuck in a state where your shoulders are hunched forward, your movements become listless, your eyes blur?
there is no passion in a blank slate. a friend that used to be there, even if he was obnoxious and impulsive and polarizing, is no longer that ever-present energy fueling your hope. your desires. your dreams……it’s done. so now decide how you want him back, if at all. or if he’s not within your power of persuasion, make a new way forward. cuz you wanna stick around.
you want to spin this hatred, this judgement. you want to love where you are and where you’ve been with zero regrets. no hindsight sadness. that is bonkers. you cannot look upon the past and wish it was different just as you cannot expect the entirety of your future to be different tomorrow. embrace it, most tomorrows will be a slight variation on today.
ok then, a few projects: makeshift cold drip contraption. lampshade publishing website. one outing per day. ending all judgement — even in jest. guitar song by the end of jan. start blog by end of week (update: done!!).
no guts. no time to get an honest look at himself. shame for indulging in the luxury of time.
this endless cycle of shaming has to stop. it’s not that you have no guts. you have no access to your guts. they are covered under mountains of ego sludge. sometimes a courageous gut finds a hole and reaches through to the top. so you know they’re down there under the muck. and that makes it even more frustrating then because you can’t call upon them as you wish.
radical acceptance is almost perfect, but it’s too passive. it detaches you from the thing you’re accepting. when you not only accept but integrate, love, appreciate, enjoy….when you embrace things then your radiance will be what you want it to be. you will at once see another being and help them see you. in base terms, you will be improved by your true sight of the other person and you will be able to show this other person how he can be improved by witnessing you. if you can’t hug your enemy you can’t appreciate and welcome his existence. you will want to obliterate.
meeting shifty eyes on the street. it’s not you. it’s not them. it’s conditioning. this third-party poltergeist plaguing our interaction. what a guy! engage. see through it. embrace the other.
please be awesome.
now, i wish i could clone myself and take me out dancing. take me to play pool. give myself a hug that is not condescending or habitual. a hug that thanks me for being. an embrace. not because it’s required, but just because. if i never have an opinion, that doesn’t mean i’m not a real person. i’m just that person.
boddhisatva celebration xenophobia
jasmine, the girl you met at bimbo last night, said she only found herself after spending so much time alone. you know you would be okay alone, but why opt into it? relationships are volatile and it will happen anyway. appreciate the company until you truly don’t want to be accompanied. until you have a drive, a purpose to be alone.
you can certainly apparate to the top of the church if only you can live in the perception that “here” is no different than “there”. if only you can wholly believe that you are not your body. once you know that those two spots are exactly the same thing and those spots are also you…you will already be on top of the church.
you drink almost every day now. you wake up at some point in the day and you tell yourself you’re not going to drink today. then you see some cheese, someone pulling a glass of wine away from their lips and you’re sucked right back in. “well, one glass with some cheese.” “well, one with dinner. who cares?” are you addicted to alcohol? don’t shame yourself for using tools (caffeine, alcohol, etc) to accomplish something. there’s no real difference between doing it “yourself” and doing it with a tool. the experience will be what you want and so will the result. unless neither of those are true, then it’s time to re-evaluate.
life doesn’t suck. your filters on life do. destroy, rebuild your filters!
perceptions, filters, are completely formed by importance ratings. every sense, every experience is rated in terms of importance and a perception filter is created as a result. as you decide that having several short bursts of pee at the end of the long haul piss isn’t weird and you decide that you don’t really care what others think of how your pee sounds, you decrease the importance rating of the worrying-about-what-your-pee-sounds-like-to-people-outside-the-bathroom experience and a new perception filter and a new relationship with peeing is formed — a new reality is born.