A Few Questions Before We Arm Teachers

After yet another preventable tragedy at Parkland High School in Florida, where seventeen people, both students and faculty, were shot to death by a classmate with an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle, people on the right in politics are saying unequivocally that the only answer to the problem of school shootings is to arm teachers. More guns. Massacres such as this don’t happen with the shocking regularity that they do in America. If we are going to arm teachers, I have just a few questions I’d like answered first:

• If teachers are tenured do they get mech-suits?
• Where are the guns kept? Do teachers have them on their person at all-times? Do they bring them to parent-teacher conferences and PTA meetings? What about field trips? Can you go to the planetarium without your cold, steel weapon of retaliation?
• Where is ammo kept? Is it in a safe? Who knows the combination?
• What happens when a teacher accidentally shoots the wrong student? Who is at fault? The teacher? The student? The school? Who pays for the wongful death lawsuits? Can we convert thoughts and prayers into Bitcoin to fund this?
• What happens if a teacher loses it and decides to go on a rampage?
• Does an armed teacher leave their classroom unattended while they go and hunt the shooter down? Are students left to fend for themselves and throw iPads and fidget spinners at an assailant?
• Are teachers who will be packing heat subject to background checks? How stringent would these background checks be? Are they forced to undergo background checks that are more severe than civilians? WHY?
• Can any teacher buy a gun at a gun show and not disclose that they have a rifle in their khakis (this would be known as the “Teacher gun show loophole”)?
• Do we arm school mascots? If they already have t-shirt cannons can they be modified to shoot armor-piercing bullets? Shouldn’t Fred “The Fighting Falcon” be ready to go into berserker mode at a Pep Rally?
• Do the students know which teachers have guns? Do the teachers know which teachers have guns? Does the principal know? How many lists will there be?
• What happens if a teacher shoots a student with a gun only to find out the student’s gun isn’t real? Are they trained by cops to plant weapons or drugs?
• Do teachers get bonuses if they shoot an armed assailant? Does their class get Pizza Friday as an extra reward?
• What happens if a student overpowers a teacher and takes their gun? Is the teacher at fault for what happens next?
• Instead of bananas will sex-ed consist of putting a condom on a glock?
• What happens if a teacher uses the gun to commit suicide in front of the class?
• Do we start selling letterman jackets lined with kevlar vests?
• Should yearbooks be made to block bullets and students forced to wear them as protective lanyards at all times?
• How would a student feel comfortable going up to a teacher and discussing poor test results when they know their teacher has a semi-automatic behind their whiteboard?
• Who pays for the guns? Who pays for the training? Where will the money come from? Will students be forced to have bake sales to make sure their social studies teacher has enough ammo to get them through summer break?
• Why not just replace all teachers with T-1000’s? Seems like it’d be cheaper in the long run.
• Should we have snipers in place at all-times? Are they teachers or just volunteers from the community? Do they have to undergo background checks?
• Do substitute teachers only get airhorns?
• Should we just go ahead and change the name principal to warden?
• How would any of this prevent a Columbine-style attack with multiple shooters? Wouldn’t this only encourage that approach?
• Do lunch ladies and other cafeteria workers at least get a bowie knife?
• What happens if a teacher accidentally shoots themselves? Do they get paid leave? Wouldn’t every teacher do this?
• Are teachers allowed to show off their guns during show and tell?
• Does turning schools into private prisons that lean into education make for better SAT scores?
• Do teachers bring guns to school dances? Is Sadie Hawkins safe without a sawed-off shotgun?