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Sam Grittner
Oct 3, 2014 · 2 min read

You did it! You made the move and asked out the cutie you’ve been all gooey and starry-eyed over ever since you saw their Tinder profile pic of a baseball glove wearing a smaller baseball glove as a hat (plus they texted you that “you hat them at hello” so clever!). The hard part is over, right?

Don’t get cocky yet, Young Guns. A classy gentleman or lady knows there are certain questions not to ask on a first date. I’m neither of those six things but I’m great at math and I’ve been around long enough that I’ve been able to compile a list of appropriate questions to ask while you pursue love. They reveal a little about yourself while provoking thoughtful conversation. Enjoy!

“What celebrities have you bled on?”

“Lobsters: sea rats or underwater scorpions?”

“Do you want to be in my crew?”

“Should I be asking you these questions, not texting them?”

“When was the last time you made love in international waters? But like, it meant something.”

“Have you never been to this attic before?”

“Can I borrow ten dollars?”

“Are those arms really yours?”

“Has anyone ever told you that you remind them of a sexy guillotine?”

“Do you ever feel so crushingly alone that you are forced to learn banjo online and hope you’ll discover a different dimension of reality?”

“How many states is your medical license banned from?”

“Is it just me or is wallpaper always taunting us?”

“Have you ever been making a plan for suicide then bought some tennis balls and realized there’s no point either way so you play tennis now?”

“You have the arms of an old James Spader, did you know that?”

“Did you know spiders live to be a hundred-years-old and can sing hymnals if you don’t sleep for two weeks and subsist on a diet of coconut water and boosted Creatine mixed with oven-baked pudding?”

“I don’t believe in toasters. I leave my bread in the sun and wait, like God intended. Are you beholden to the monstrosity that goes by the moniker of technology?”

“You hate people who ask you questions before they google them too? Will you marry me? Let me just wait for my toast to finish. I love your arms!”

Sam Grittner

Written by

Writer. Stand-up comedian. Geisha. (I also created @TonightonGIRLS)

Sam Grittner

Written by

Writer. Stand-up comedian. Geisha. (I also created @TonightonGIRLS)

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