I Am 60-Days-Sober-Old Today

Hi, my name is Sam and I’m an alcoholic! I was a very successful one too, I blacked-out so many times that I have no idea how many times I blacked-out, I ruined the only real relationship I’ve ever been in, and my liver unfriended me on Facebook. I’m in recovery. I say it publicly mostly to de-stigmatize it for myself. I also get a lot of people who wish they were sober asking how I got this way and helping other people stop drinking when they have a problem is the greatest feeling in the world.

I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in two years and that’s pretty cool, but what’s the tits is that I’ve been completely sober for 60 days now. I wish I could I say I had Jedi powers or could read minds or finish the NYT crossword in under a month but, alas, those things have yet to happen. YET. On the plus side, I’m happier than I’ve ever been before, I am present for life, I no longer have the feeling and taste of bile creeping up my throat every morning, I make stupid purchases but I’m aware of them at the time (see: “Work Bitch on iTunes), I remember people’s names after only only asking them twice, I generally act like an adult most of the time, I don’t pee in the kitchen sink or on cars anymore (sorry roomies!), I don’t threaten to eat people’s faces off (long time readers know what I’m talking about), I don’t feel guilty about fucking up for as long as I used to, I brush my teeth and shower every day, I have savings for the first time in my life (I don’t mean to brag but SOMEONE could afford 10 subscriptions to EBONY magazine on a whim if they wanted to right now), I reached out to my ex to make amends and instead of the “I hope you die in a fire” response I was expecting she said thank you (which I’m eternally grateful for), my monthly stand-up show has taken off because I’m promoting it instead of smoking and “letting the universe work it all out, brah,” I am reading books again, I’m giving up caffeine for New Year’s, and I’m celebrating one year as a professional comedy writer in New York city (as of January 1st).

Maybe some of these things would have happened but I highly doubt it. I work my program hard, I’m back in therapy, and I reach out to 5–10 people on a daily basis to check-in. It is not easy but life isn’t easy otherwise we would all be napping and eating cheese in a pool all day.

If you want what I have, please don’t rob me, look into recovery. It has given me a blueprint on how to live. I still have depression and have even been suicidal for a brief period during my sobriety (come out to the show on Saturday and hear the story of how I almost blew it all last week! It’s terrible and terribly funny!) but because I have a network I stayed the course and am here writing this right now. Life is fucking hard but with my sobriety, it is fun and exciting and the problems are manageable.

I say this all the time but it’s true for myself and for you:

I love you.

You matter.

I believe in you.

Bueller.