Quicksand Marathon

I lost a job last week that had so much potential for my future. I’m still pretty devastated by it but I’m moving forward to what comes next. I’m booked to perform stand-up in the next two weeks with tons more coming, I’m starting a mental health podcast, and most importantly, I’ve decided to fully pursue my sobriety again. The amount of support I’ve received since announcing that truly blew me away. I was going to smoke pot tonight but I didn’t because I felt friends and strangers alike are rooting for me and I was able to put everything into perspective. I’m just gonna keep moving forward. My pinned tweet has a Patreon you can sign up for, if you’re into supporting “creative types.” Or if you are a rich robber baron or heir/heiress you can always Venmo (samgrittner) or PayPal me (samgrittner@gmail.com).

I’m trying my best and I appreciate anyone who has ever supported me. Thank you.

That’s where this note ended when I first posted it but since I’m being honest, I may as well go all in: I made plans to kill myself five times this summer. When I was in California for my best friend’s wedding I bought razor blades and planned on slitting my wrists and walking into the ocean (ever the drama queen) the day after the ceremony. I couldn’t do it. I thought about my friends and family. I almost jumped off a dozen buildings after that, but once again, I couldn’t work up the nerve. I’ll spare you the other plans. I’m writing this not to scare people, but to let anyone else out there who’s going through anything even remotely similar know that I made it through the worst year of my life, and if I can do it, anyone can. I’m still broke. I’m still not writing for tv or the movies. I’m not a lot of things I’d hoped to be by this age, and I continue to disappoint myself so often because I don’t live up to my (mostly impossible) expectations.

But I have the motivation to do what I need to do: stay on my meds, go to therapy, ask for help, and actively seek out recovery and positive people. I feel like a failure that I keep fucking up again, but I swear to God I’m trying my absolute best and will keep doing so. I am forever indebted to my friends, family, and you fucking weirdos on here who’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know.

Thank you.