FROM: MOTHER EARTH
Dear User, thank you so much for choosing to live on the greatest planet in the world! Though you continue to suck my natural resources dry like some sort of insatiable fuel fossil-vampire, I am still pleased that you are not Dinosaurs. Those big-ass lizards freaked me the fuck out.
The reason for this e-mail is to inform you that the team behind one of your favorite seasons, Summer, has some brand new features this Summer and I’m going to let them share them with you now, so you can enjoy them later.
***BY READING THE FOLLOWING YOU AGREE TO SAID STATEMENT WRITTEN AT BOTTOM OF STATEMENT HERETOFORE WITHIN***
First, let’s start with this year’s “Summer Jam.” We reached out to some of the biggest names in the music industry: Big Boi, Adele, Jane’s Addiction, SnakeManTooth, The Black Key, Cactus Fruit, Bon Jovi, Nicki Manaj, Shirt, Monkey Knuckles, and even two different Smash Mouth cover bands (both of which turned out to be Smash Mouth). And when they didn’t get back to us we said “Fuck it!” and made our own hit. It’s a dubstep/country doozy recorded at the bottom of the well and produced by Brian Eno. The song itself is a salacious ode to sexual activites in the kitchen involving the derrière. You won’t get enough of ‘CINNAMON BUTT,’ no matter how much you try to cram into your ears!
Next up: Sand. We decided to mix things up this year and not use the ashes of cremated cigarettes and nomadic gnomes, instead we’re trying a new synthetic type of glitter that is hand-painted by Joaquin Phoenix’s personal assistant’s babysitter. It’s a painstaking process but your feet feel like they’re walking on a blanket of marshmallows and babies.
Do you like heat? GREAT! Because this Summer we asked ourselves, “Should we go for broke?” and the unanimous answer was: “Steve is definitely on fire right now.” So, yes, you will see temperatures higher than you’ve ever seen before. Make sure to keep small children and big elderly inside at all times, as spontaneous combustion will be a probability, not a possibility (probably).
Sick of having your core shook from the overwhelming and appalling lack of empathy and basic equalities in the World today? Well, we’re here to “shake things up” with some innovative new Earthquake catalysts and mechanisms. Most Earthquakes are still caused by the drunk Giant that lives in the Earth’s core bumping its head, but now we’ve got a brand new feature: All Over Everywhere. We here at Earth our committed to keeping equality truly equal, at least for those who deserve it. That’s why this year you’ll be seeing tectonic plates, spoons, and cups shifting everywhere from Iowa to Austin. We’ve even introduced Oceanquakes, a hybrid form of earthquakes and tsunamis (this is in a concerted effort to blow any freaky-ass ocean lizards into space).
Summer Air. “Life is a breeze!” That’s what our Wind department just love to say with a nod and lip full of gust-o. They truly do blow in the best way possible. This Summer, five new fragrances are being unveiled during July:
- Seagull Taint
- Mustard Stain on Lobster
- Kale Asphyxiation
- Union Tuna
- Whale Stank All Up In Here
We have fixed some minor glitches from last year’s Summer (sharks will no longer sneeze on the deaf and the leaves are now being produced out of recycled books about taxes and fissures).
From all of the Team at Summer: Have a great Summer and enjoy Summer V.214!
******By reading this statement you have agreed to the following: you are a witch, we can steal any of your horses at anytime as long as we give two week’s notice, none of this matters, you are a cannibal now too, Delaware no longer exists, Mayonnaise is made from butter and disappointment; we can sell pictures of your sexts to third-party applicants without your invitation and depsite your declines, Jesus was probably a freak in the sack