Talking Points: 4th of July

July 4th. The day America swiped left on Great Britain.

BBQs. Fireworks. Tenure. Burgers. Rakes with tetanus. Old Man ‘Slaw. Cold beers. Frosty tips. Denim lawns. Great Friends. Family. “Kill me. Now,” you think outloud to yourself and in earshot of Nana. “I want to set myself on fire in the grill but I hate the thought of wasting food.”

You can’t escape it: the inevitable lull in conversation. Your cousin’s friend’s co-worker’s babysitters’s brother talking up some lame story about napkins and diptheria.

Unless, you have a little bit of help, you might chew your hands off from boredom/thrill-seeking. Below is a list to help you escape the doldrums of boring conversation and engage someone, ANYONE in meaningful topics. ENJOY AND HAVE FUN!


How many dogs you think I got in my trunk, right now? Volvo. No more questions.

I like your ponytail. Are you renting it or is it on lay-away?

BLTs could use a couple other letters, don’t ya think? I like BCLRTG, myself.

Harry Potter or Fran Drescher? Morgue or skating rink?

Apple Juice, Chlorine or Drank?

How’s that project you always talk about but never manage to finish going? Please be as vague as possible.

That wrestler that married a garbage can then robbed a Piggly Wiggly. How crazy was that? Sexy convicts, amirite????

Are you still on Facebook? Didn’t you hear? Oh? In that case: Join, Friend me, and I’ll explain exactly why you should quit immediately.

HOBBY LOBBY rhymes with snotty karate. Let’s not get too political. Freedom fries?

My secret to the perfect burger? Tofu stuffed inside a gun.

Belgium sucks the big dripping one oh most def for sures.

Plans for Shark Week? The missus and are hijacking a submarine and taking it to Universal Studios.

Time is an infinite circle of mistakes and broken dreams colliding with ascending souls. What about this weather? It’s a dry-hump heat…

We all know your WiFi password, Terry. And your dog is fucking disgusting. Who has a disgusting dog???? That’s fucked, Terry. Ab-so-lutely fucked.

We should use the word gadzooks on a regular basis.

Your secretary never had feelings for you. She left for Tijuana and never looked back. I still have her lip gloss. It smells of gloss and lip.

Written by

Writer. Stand-up comedian. Geisha. (I also created @TonightonGIRLS)

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