I have never made New Year’s resolutions. Mostly because I’m too lazy but also because I feel they set you up to fail. You say “I’m going to go to they gym every day!”, “I’m done eating meat forever!”, or “I will become the world’s sexiest hot air balloon captain.”

You miss the gym one day and you say fuck it and tell yourself you can’t even keep your promises to yourself. You’re a dumb fat fuck and it’s always going to be this way.

You decide to have a slice of bacon without even thinking and then you’re telling…


Art: MRCokeley Design

Addiction is as close as I will ever come to turning into a zombie

I am an addict. Once I put drugs or alcohol into my body, the chemical composite of who I am begins to change. Addiction doesn’t just take on a life of its own, it takes my life. Addiction is as close as I will ever come to turning into a zombie.

I’ve been fascinated by zombies my entire life: from the first time I saw the masterpiece that is Night of the Living Dead in my early teens to 28 Days Later and the much slept-on Last Train to Busan, I’ve been unable to look away whenever they’re on screen…


October 30th would have been two years sober for me. When I reached a year, I got a tattoo that I told myself would be a permanent reminder to stay vigilant about staying away from drugs and alcohol and to eat mice as often as possible (it’s a tattoo of an owl).

I relapsed at the beginning of this summer (thanks a lot, Tattoo!). “Relapse” is a much more dignified word than saying “I decided getting high again would be smart because it’s never done anything good for me in the last 10 years but maybe just maybe this time…


Today, I have been completely sober for 365 days. IN A ROW. It is nothing short of a miracle.

This is my fifth attempt at writing down my thoughts and feelings about the last year. I want to be insightful and clever to the point of strangers wanting to have my baby, and properly convey my gratitude but every time I’ve sat down to write I’ve ended up with eight to twelve pages that mostly dwelled on the worst parts of my life. I need to keep this short, sweet, and concise, like the Mayor of Candyland.

Here are the…


After every mass shooting, when the straight, white man who assaults all of us while killing some, “magically” gets taken into custody, while black people are shot to death for having the gall to go to their own apartment, I look into their eyes and see the same thing: total and complete fear.

For as long as I’ve been alive I’ve heard Conservatives preach that the United States is degenerating and eating itself alive because Americans have turned their backs on God. “If only the Bible were required reading and the 10 Commandments were posted in every school we would…


TGIFriday’s is facing the biggest test of its long and illustrious existence. The penultimate crisis that has been decades in the making.

I’m not just talking about the health inspector shutting us down after finding half a ton of raw hamburger meat in the dumpster out back or the fact that we have so many rats that they’ve formed a union and taken our newest hostess, KLissa (pronounced “Stacey”), as a hostage.

No, they have become so blinded by the shimmer of their own flair that they they can’t see what’s been coming even if it’s written at the top…


I have some thoughts on being an addict, people’s perception of it, and what you can do for people who are suffering on a daily basis from a disease that actively wants to kill you.

I am thirty-six-years-old. On Friday I will have nine months completely sober. That is the longest stretch of time I’ve had clean since I started using and abusing drugs almost two decades ago. I started with pot, moved on to cocaine, upgraded to pain pills, and graduated to being a crackhead and a heroin junkie. There is and always will be constant debate about whether…


Dear Debra,

Since you seem to think you’re better than me and that I’m a lazy piece of shit, let me update you on what I’ve done this last year.

  • On the day of the Woman’s March, I was sick so I stayed home and donated $50 to Planned Parenthood, then I realized I could ask people who follow me on Twitter to match my donation. By the end of the day I had helped raise $5,000 for PP.
  • I recently did the AIDS WALK NY and raised over $4,300 from friends, family, and strangers
  • I started a comedy show…


I know you are going through a hard time right now, actually, for quite sometime. A few months ago you stopped hanging out on weekends. Then a few weeks later, you dropped off my radar completely. It’s been, honestly, I don’t know long since I’ve last seen you in person. I’m sorry that I haven’t checked in sooner. You deserve better and I PROMISE you I WILL DO better going forward. But did you know that I’ve been where you are? That I still go there more often than I tell anyone? Flirting with death when no one is looking…


I’ve been getting asked this question a lot lately and it’s a good one (not as good as, “Sam, how do you possibly get more handsome every day? Is God photoshopping you?” or “May I give you a million dollars, you sexy, man-child?” but it’ll do). It definitely feels like each day is somehow worst than the last, like we’re trapped in a demon-infested upside-down version of “Groundhog’s Day,” where rich and evil people are actively conspiring against those with less without even trying to hide it anymore, the world’s stupidest man/oldest baby/1st Place Winner for Worms That Are Eating…

Sam Grittner

Writer. Stand-up comedian. Geisha. (I also created @TonightonGIRLS) www.SamGrittner.com

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