The Book of Boba Fett, or maybe the VHS of Power Rangers
The Book of Boba Fett, or maybe the VHS of Power Rangers
Here’s a fun fact. Disney killed Star Wars. I’m not a HUGE Star Wars fan. No mint condition action figures, costumes, t-shirts…definitely don’t read the books, but that’s not to say I’m not a considerable fan. I grew up on the first three movies. And then when I was in the Marine Corps, I watched George Lucas burn his legacy to the ground with the prequels, and then Disney came around and after what they did with the MCU (Marvel) I figured, we’re saved! I mean, seriously, a lightsaber is probably the coolest thing on a screen. Even in that new movie with Ryan Reynolds, Free Guy, when he pulls out the light saber, everyone went whack a mole in the theater. It’s that recognizable as the ultimate, not just weapon, but macguffin. It is more than a “laser sword” (god, that was from the prequels and freaking Luke Skywalker calls it that at the end of his legacy.) The second movie in the new trilogy is usually pointed at as the drop off point of the series, but really, these issues have been rampant early on, even in Return of the Jedi! That is where we first saw signs that plot devices were just being rehashed for the same story, the same huge planet killers with one tiny technological deficiency that the rebels can take advantage of. I mean, you blew up the death star in A New Hope, then the second movie “The Empire Strikes Back” is considered the best of all of them. Great! But then you blow up the ‘rebuilt’ death star in Return of the Jedi. Again. Another thing ALL these movies have in common is the formula of a dual battle in the last act, one on land on some planet and the other in space…simultaneously. Always..
Actually why am I wasting my breath on this? We all know it already. I didn’t title my story to trick you. This is about the Pamphlet of Bubba Fart (I know cheesy) but I wouldn’t be surprised if the old man doesn’t blow an ass trumpet on set when trying to throw out some of those Power Ranger fight choreography scenes.
I mean, we all know why this show exists. Well, maybe this is more than a simple answer. I would say that of course he should get his own series because he only had 4 lines in 3 movies in the originals and they were good ones. There has been a HUGE Fett following for 40 years since, because of the way he had no fear of Darth Vader, and the confidence with which he carried himself, efficient in movement and acting, yet leaving such an aura behind that it has its own gravitational pull.
But I know the secret of why Disney failed and still fails at Star Wars. It’s so simple and I knew it before “The Kindle of Bobby Flat”
If it’s not an original story, it won’t work. ORIGINAL. That’s it, it’s that simple.
The sample size is large enough now. It was large enough before that Boba drink Disney is serving us, which is why I was against the idea. Well, one could argue since he was such a small character, telling his story would seem like an original right? No, he’s too embedded in the cannon, too large of a presence in the universe of Star Wars. So I knew it wouldn’t work. How? Well, look at Rogue 1. Awesome right? I mean, there was a cameo of Darth Vader but just a cameo, and even though they still did the double battle of space and planet simultaneously, it still worked out. Even with the simple plot contrivances of just one piece of tech needed to take down the whole Empire, it still worked! Why? New characters! New story. Look at the Mandalorian. I mean, seriously, where did that come from? Baby Yoda? It was amazing. Yes, we had a Yoda before but this Baby one is more of a cute plot device than a character. I mean, the Mandalorian himself? Pascal showed every emotion under both Tatooine’s suns without taking off his helmet. That is sublime, subtle, strong, superb acting. (Side note, Bubba should probably keep his helmet on just to hide how bad an actor he is) Also the Mandalorian was a huge success because it was all new characters!!! So creative and exciting. And that’s my point, when you have a universe that large with pretty much any type of creature, planet, technology, wizardry, heroes, history, mythology, villains… just entire worlds and languages and people, you have an endless supply of new material you can work with. So why do we go back to the same old, (i mean that literally) old characters? On another side note, it seems like every single star wars character has regressed back to who they were before a New Hope. Luke Skywalker is even worse than before. Instead of an optimistic kid who doesn’t know anything about the world, he’s now a pessimistic asshole who doesn’t give shit about anything. Imagine if Lea sent Obi the message in a New Hope and he turns around and tosses R2-D2 into a ravine like Luke did with his lightsaber? Or how about after all the medals and being a commander of troops, Han Solo is back to smuggling? And Chewy is cool with that regression? I mean, I can go on and on.
But that’s not what I’m here for. This is about the Book on Disney streaming (Funny how they call a show a Book cuz I’d rather read a vacuum instruction manual than watch this shit). Back to my equation. New stories work, old doesn’t. Look at the Han Solo prequel. Bombed! Why? Well, we had enough of him. Harrison Ford played his part perfectly and no one can replace Han Solo. I mean, it’s in the name. There can be only one “Solo” actor to ever play that part.
So Disney acquires Lucas Studios and immediately hypes the idea of an origin story for every beloved character, and even the not so beloved. I mean, who cares, it’s the Jedi Tree growing money! But then the new trilogy failed to dazzle and the Han Solo origin story took a dump on top of it, so Disney put on the brakes quick. (They did the same with all their animated movies…they were on a roll with Beauty and the Beast then things started slowing down with Aladdin and Mulan and finally the Lion King just freaked people out so Little Mermaid is on the backburner)
Anyway, something is wrong but they can’t figure it out. “Why don’t these audiences love these characters they loved 40 years ago?” Maybe look at your successes and see what’s different. Oh cuz IT’S different.
So I was against the whole Bo Knows Fat Book thing. But then the Mandalorian was so good, it made us all look one way while Disney tied our shoelaces together and pantsed us. Season 2 Episode 6, Bobba comes out with a stick and just runs right through like multiple platoons of Overcast Droopers. (you might have to work that one out) Then he gets his armor and does some shit even the Mandalorian didn’t come up with like a knee gun? Which makes all the other Drizzle Bloopers run…when have you ever seen these laser magnets run?
But what really made the scene was the choreography. I mean, he was hitting those white helmets so hard with that weird septer that they were doing flips like parkour fails as he broke their asses. Like literally shattering their tailbones with a bop to the head, the physics doesn’t even make sense but those stunt men suffered for our entertainment and it was damn entertaining. It honestly was like a lightsaber scene, where you just want to jump up and cheer the second you hear that buzzing and the phalik lightsaber grows before your eyes. Like if Darth Vader actually fought Obi in a New Hope instead of that fool just turning into a force ghost before we knew what it was (come on, you weren’t disappointed too!)
So all of a sudden, I see him in action on the Mandalorian and I’m on the train to Boba Fett town. I’m the damn conductor in overalls, caution to the storm troopers, I’m in for the Book. And Disney fooled us good. Damn good. They should have respected the recipe…new=good. Old=old ass shit! Damn, it’s so simple! I saw an article that says the new show is worse than polio, and damn, if I didn’t want to laugh at that except I know someone who actually had it back in the 1940s so I’ll be more reserved and say that one episode is worse than binging all the seasons of Power Rangers, with no bathroom break.
I can list so many reasons it’s bad…he was a bounty hunter but now wants to rule Jabba the Hutt’s evil empire with “respect instead of fear”. He seems not to care about money, BUT he’s a bounty hunter. He was a bad guy in the originals but he saves this kid from dying by strangling some caterpillar beast that conveniently has a lower portion of his body built like a perfect platform for someone to stand on and put him in a rear naked choke. For an old man with no super powers, how could the creature not just lean forward and flip the guy over his head? Why does he get his ass whipped by one of the Tusken Raiders one on one? Is he helpless without his armor? Didn’t seem that way in Mandalorian. Oh wait, didn’t he also just kill a huge beast just a few minutes after he got his ass beat by that Sand Man? Oh, so that makes sense now…..?
Side note again…, why does Boba dress like Ebenezer Scrooge in that onesie under his armor? (will we ever address how little the armor actually protects and how poor the vision is through that helmet? Ok I digest.) These are not the actual reasons it’s bad. I mean, another guy wore the armor and was a likable character in the Mandalorian but Boob puts it on and it’s like someone loses his Book. Its sad it’s actually called The Book of Bomb Fastest. Because it’s insinuating they already have the story written and are just telling it. Well, I know I’m writing this at 1am and it’s full of mistakes and typos ( which I’m not going to fix) and it’s still better than the jargon that passes for dialogue in the show. I’d guess it was all improv by junior high actors if I didn’t know Disney would never let a single thing go unscripted, making this first episode all the more perplexing.
Before I go on, last thing I’ll say about it is, how bad are the fight scenes??? How can the same character kick ass so hard, it hurts just to watch in the Mandalorian, and then look like an old Wipe Out contestant in his own show? I know the writer is the same but the director is different. I won’t name them, it’s getting long already but maybe it’s just wishful thinking that would make any difference because my recipe or equation already proves this was doomed from go.
Why?
ITS BAD BECAUSE ITS NOT NEW. That’s why. Simple. Could it have been good? Who knows. I mean, nothing has been good from Star Wars that wasn’t completely original but maybe it can be done. Ewan McGregor is coming back for the Obi-Wan Kenobi show. Is that going to be good? GOD I hope so but definitely, without a doubt, no, it will not. I’m sorry guys but the recipe is simple. He’s been played by two actors in five live-action movies already (force ghost counts I guess) and countless other times in video games and animated series. I mean, I would love to see how he aged so quickly in just 20 years on Tatooine. Those two suns are harsh! They really think bringing him back will fix it, but you could actually take a no name actor and a no name character and just make a show in the star wars universe and it will work! (Rogue 1, Mandalorian) But Obi can walk around with a lightsaber coming out his ass the whole show and it still won’t. I hate that that’s the way it is but it is. Maybe if Disney wasn’t Disney but it is and it wrings everything dry and licks up the drops, then spits, wipes and wrings it again.
Enough said. This is way too long. If you got to the end, I’m impressed because I’m so tired, I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore so maybe you can message me to tell me. thanks!
