The 5 Commandments of Empathy
You don’t have to look hard to find quotes expounding the need for more empathy in society. American author, Seth Godin, has a lot to say about empathy — the bedrock of intimacy and close connection. Over the past couple weeks, I have taken notes into the insights Godin has taught me. Here is what I’ve learned:
Empathy is a bridge.
“Sorry” doesn’t mean you caused the pain. It merely means that you see it, that you’ve felt pain before in your life as well, that you are open to a connection.
Our ability to bring people along is critical because we’re playing a long game, even an infinite one. Back and forth, day by day, with many of the same people. One day, it will be reversed, and a classmate or co-worker or partner will be the one that can listen and care about the pain. A pain that might feel very similar.
Gloating or silence closes the door. Empathy, on the other hand, and the action of speech, of moderation, of connection, can change everything. And if it hasn’t been present before, it can start right now.
“I see you. I’m sorry for what you’re feeling. How can I help?”
Empathy is effort.
When we extend our heart, our soul and our feelings to another, when we imagine what it must be like to be them, we expose ourselves to risk. The risk of feeling bruised, or of losing our ability to see the world from just one crisp and certain point of view.
It’s easier to walk on by, to compartmentalize and to isolate ourselves. Easier, but not worth it.
Empathy is not simply feeling sorry.
Empathy doesn’t involve feeling sorry for someone. It is our honest answer to the question, “why did they do what they did?”
The useful answer is rarely, “because they’re stupid.” Or even, “because they’re evil.” In fact, most of the time, people with similar information, similar beliefs and similar apparent choices will choose similar actions. So if you want to know why someone does what they do, start with what they know, what they believe and where they came from.
Dismissing actions we don’t admire merely because we don’t care enough to have empathy is rarely going to help us make the change we seek. It doesn’t help us understand, and it creates a gulf that drives us apart.
Empathy is self-acceptance.
Empathy can only occur in proportion to our own self-acceptance. It’s only by accepting the flaws of our own emotions and our own minds that we are able to look at the flaws of the emotions and minds of others, and rather than judge them or hate them, feel compassion for them. “Oh, he’s fucked up, too. I used to believe shit like that. I wonder what he’s running from?”
Empathy is difficult.
If you believed what he believes, you’d do precisely what he’s doing.
Think about that for a second. People act based on the way they see the world. Every single time. Understanding someone else’s story is hard, a job that’s never complete, but it’s worth the effort.
The rest is mechanics. We’re not wired to walk in someone else’s shoes, it’s not our first instinct. Showing up with empathy is difficult, hard to outsource and will wear you out.
But it’s precisely what we need from you.
***
What to study and how to study are more important than where to study and for how long. The best teachers are on the Internet. The best books are on the Internet. The best peers are on the Internet. The tools for learning are abundant. This blog is my personal knowledge diary, aggregating ideas and philosophies that impacted my life from various authors and thought-leaders distilled into consumable written pieces.
