100 (+32) Follower Special

A Heart-Felt Thank You to My (Unfanatic and Mostly Bot-Based) Fanbase

When I first started posting on Medium, I never expected it to give me unprecedented access to untold riches, fame, and sexual escapades with stunningly beautiful women. And it hasn’t.

But, despite its capacity to meet my expectations in this respect, there’s also been plenty of moments in which I’ve had to stop myself mid-sentence and gawk in awe at the unexpected blessings that the platform’s algorithmic Gods have selflessly bestowed upon me. Namely, the never-ending empathy and compassion that one can be the recipient of when knowing that someone out there is actually kind and considerate enough to take time out of their day and make a complete stranger feel heard.

Granted, the introspective period of gratitude can be a little dulled when you realize that a large part of the sudden surge in your follower base can be attributed to an increase in Medium’s “Spam-bot, overseas-headquartered, most likely virulent” demographic. But, that’s no reason to spoil your celebration. On the contrary, you should see this as an opportunity to capitalize on the good and make the most of the bad (e.g., your account being a harvesting hub for potentially malicious phishing schemes). After all, not everybody can count themselves among the fortunate few who’ve been granted the privilege of benefiting from invasive online targeting.

That’s why, in the spirit of appreciating the little things, I’ve decided to offer up a toast to the good times we’ve (hopefully) had, and the memories we’ve yet to make. Here’s to the laughs, the tears, and the faceless, malware-produced accounts that have helped get us where we are today- and let me be the first one to admit it:

I sincerely could not have done it without a single one of you.

1. Dear Reload Button,

(Source: http://kemp21stcentury.weebly.com/5-how-to-use-google-chrome.html)

Thank you. Not only have you been unwavering in your duty to feed my faltering ego bland nuggets of validation every time I’m desperately waiting on a view or recommend, but you’ve also been there through all of the highs and lows (emotional and broadband speed alike). And if I ever unknowingly subjected you to a vicious, click-based beating- please forgive me. You know I get impatient when my wee-wee time is compromised.

2. Dear Gratuitous Wi-fi,

(Source: https://insidetowers.com/cell-tower-news-emerging-wireless-technologies-threaten-wifi-existence/)

Thank you. From the abysmally filthy tables of my favorite local bum hangout (otherwise known as Downtown Starbucks), to the intensely odorous alleyways blessed with the virtue of picking up your signal from some undisclosed location (most probably A Little Further Down-town Starbucks), you’ve always been there. Whether it be the chance to catch up on some Nietzsche or the opportunity to emptily stare at an ongoing compilation of meaningless cat videos, your portable knowledge base is always keenly disposed with an invaluable bit of information.

3. Dear Laptop,

Thank you for not falling prey to any browser-history releasing viruses (as of yet). As you valiantly ride out into the horizon of your continued efforts to keep my debauchery secret, know that my ability to remain a free man rests solely on your capacity to keep doing what you’ve been doing.

4. Dear Medium (And its Honorable Peoples),

Thank you. With a year of inconsistently posting frustrated, sub-par articles on your ergonomically designed platform under my belt, I can honestly say that you’ve been selflessly good to me. Having been under absolutely no obligation to humor my self-indulgent babbling, you’ve gone out of your way to do just the opposite.

What kind of monster have you created by encouraging an increasingly unstable minimum-wage worker to openly express his lunacy, you ask? Well, I’m gonna have to ask you to relax and let your local Law Enforcement worry about that. For now, the best I can hope to do is extend my deepest gratitude to anyone who’s ever been kind enough to accidentally click on one of my articles and/or absent-mindedly add themselves to my subscriber list while in the midst of a Follow-binge.

With Wordpress and Blogspot fading into their deserved obscurity under your increasingly strengthened chokehold on the booming “unemployed and desperately cash-strapped blogger” industry, the future has never looked better*.
(*: But really, sincerely: Thank you.)


WARNING: Due to this work’s high content of all things good in the world, side effects definitely include (and are just as definitely not limited to) nausea, dizziness, increasingly arresting body convulsions, and a crippling textual dependence.

Fortunately, recent advances in medical science have diagnosed that recommending this post will keep your life dependence-free. So be smart, and click the heart.

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