Grown-Up Child Disappointed to Find Out Adulthood Is Just Boring Version of Games He Grew Up With

The realization setting in.

Phoenix, AZ-

In a nameless, dimly lit bar of Phoenix’s semi-red light district that isn’t really a bar as much as it is a couple of expired Coors Light cans drunk in the company of his one-toothed friend Billy, local grown-up child Matthew Clark spoke to the Phoenix Morning Leak about his motives for currently reeling in crippling depression.

“It’s just one, big, boring fucking game, man. We walk around like we know what the fuck we’re doing, but it ain’t shit. Ain’t that right, Billy?!”

Caught off-guard in the middle of sharpening his tooth, Billy- who has somehow managed to be a functioning component of American society for 35 or 60 years without a last name- vociferously offered his approval.


“All these fucking politicians, throwing their fucking words around, these news anchors regurgitating whatever the fuck they’re told to say, you know what it is man? Bullshit. It’s grown-up kids wanting to play games, but feeling like they’re too old to play the ones they actually like.”

Upon becoming aware of the uselessness of my own existence, I fought past the emotionless stream of tears coursing its way down my paralyzed face, and urged him to continue.

“You know, back in the day you got to be Mario and smash your head against a brick to get some coins so that you could eventually beat Bowser. Now, you get to smash your head against the fucking computer screen for some dollars that you think you like, only to find out that it’s actually Bowser’s way of giving you just enough money to keep up the maintenance on his castle… We’re just Pac-man… stuck swallowing somebody else’s balls… running from the ghosts… hoping that the fruit will make us happy.”

Reporting for the Phoenix Morning Leak, I’m lonely, depressed, and in the middle of a full-fledged existential crisis.

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