Man Commits Suicide After Radioactive Substance Gives Him Ability to See Text Messages

In what federal authorities have deemed a “tragedy of heroic proportions,” Hubert Nottingham has been found dead after a comic book-esque encounter with three dangerously unattended barrels of chemical waste left him endowed with the ability to see text messages that were in the process of being delivered. The deceased was initially thought to have been assaulted by a posse of colorfully dressed, world-domination obsessed super-villains who felt their chances of enslaving mankind for eternity (and, quite possibly, beyond) threatened by Nottingham’s recent acquisition of powers.

However, after some prodding (of the surroundings, not the corpse), coroner Jeffrey Gurney ruled the death a suicide upon discovering the former super-human’s parting note, which- among other things- cited the following as reasons for which he decided to end his life:

“One too many freckly cocks”
“So… much… unsolicited penis…”
“Really?! Was the fire emoji really necessary there?! It’s a picture of a discounted kiwi, for fuck’s sake!”

Though friends and family of the deceased insisted that his parting wish was for his experience to be used as a “lens through which to analyze our present cultural state,” Police Commissioner Louis Sunderland appeared unperturbed by Nottingham’s words. On Monday, in a densely packed press meeting held within the city’s Justice Square, Sunderland voiced the community’s collective lament of the situation and swore to mobilize the city’s police forces in the fight against the “growing epidemic of unattended barrels of chemical waste.”

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