Man Told By Waitress to ‘Enjoy’ Now Certain She is ‘The One’

[Unsplash — John Legrand]

“It all started the moment I ordered that bucket of ranch-slathered celery sticks.”

So spoke Matthew Higgins, avid hot wing-eater and lifelong rejectee, following his latest bout of romantic bounty-hunting at local predatory hotspot McMulley’s Wing Hut, a place regionally renowned for its capacity to attract forsaken souls from the darkest corners of civilized society.

Upon hearing the news, Dayana Hurtado- the greasy den’s long-running manager- says that, here at McMulley’s, falling in love has consistently proven to be a common form of harassment.

“It happens every other day. Matthew is a regular here, but by no means an exception. A good 75% of our clientele are company-starved, beady-eyed, sweaty men desperately looking for love just like him. Usually, if their Craigslist meetup isn’t working out the way they asked God to ensure it would, they’ll set their sights on one of the workers at the slightest provocation. Sometimes, it’ll be ‘the amount of times she refilled my cup or even ‘the way she hoisted that basket of barbecued chicken wings.’ This time, it was ‘that half-hidden smile on her face when she told me to ‘enjoy.’’

For Rose Beckerson, the restaurant’s newly hired waitress currently being identified as ‘The One’ among Higgins’ mostly cat-based network of friends, the news could not be more disgusting. And, despite her adamant affirmations that what Higgins mistook for a smile was actually a highly-motivated attempt at suppressing a grimace, his “undying adoration” continues to grow.

The latest reports indicate that the 38-year old man “love[s] it when she plays hard to get,” and “can’t wait” to “show her [his] sound-proofed basement.”

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