Prepping for Genocide: Survival for the Undesirable
Staying afloat during the Genetic Cleanse
Humanity, let’s be frank. It’s time to put the cellphones down, and face the music (but not before reading this; I can guarantee that you have at least a solid ten minutes before they start taking roll at the concentration camps). Given the tendencies and volatile temperament of this great nation’s current commander-in-chief (insert non-inspired jab at Trump’s twitter feed), it’s high time that somebody rose to the occasion and discussed the most pressing issue of today’s sociopolitical landscape:
Eminem’s enduring reluctance to accept that it’s time to stop churning out uninspired music. Seriously, somebody needs to get on that. Stop taking the easy way out by being incessantly thorough on all things Federal Government, main-stream media. Put those Journalism degrees to work and do some reporting that matters. And, in any case, you’ve told us enough about the weather for us to understand that it’ll fall into one of two categories on any given day: Good or shitty.
So, while you sharpen your investigative pencils and start drawing up some feasible explanations as to why the once-astoundingly verbose king of hip-hop decided that it was okay for his music to be featured in the trailer for Despicable Me 3 (this happened), I’ll get to delivering what my subtly click-baity title promised; the necessary informational supplements for making it through the imminent Genetic Cleanse as an undesirable. You know the kind (and, if you’ve read this far, I feel I’m well within my analytical jurisdiction to deduce that you are the kind):
Twitchy, nervous, socially maladjusted, very capable of writing grotesquely snarky wanna-be think-pieces, but about as knowledgeable as a freshly conceived fetus when it comes to fixing a leaky faucet or being more physically intimidating than a moderately hungry house-cat. In short; everything that will weigh the species down once the resources are irreparably drained and governments need to start taking a seriously inquisitive look at who’s within their ranks. But, fear not, my genetically underwhelming friend. The human race stopped being united a long time ago, and out there it’s every boyish man for himself. Lucky for you, the most boyish of them all is here to help.
Make the Most of Your Underdeveloped Physical Frame
(On-The-Run Summary: Band together with 3 or more people of your demographic to begin resembling somewhat of a grown man)
The game here is simple. Kill, be killed, or crouch in a shrub while watching others do both of these things and hope that your slender build helps you be confused for a succession of untrimmed branches.
Still, it goes without saying that when military forces worldwide start the unleashing of artillery on their own communities and life-long neighbors are viciously turning on each other for undisputed rights to the last gallon of milk, self-defense will be key to your survival.
Unfortunately, the last time you had any kind of success in a physically engaging affair was when you got the doctor to stop spanking you after 4 well-placed ass smacks; and that was only because he pitied you (what with all that gunk smeared on your weeping body). Fortunately, however, the arrival of the Genetic Cleanse will have people just like you emerging from their sedentary cobwebs (at least once they notice the Wi-fi has been down for weeks or they need to leave the house for a Mountain Dew refill). So, when you’re out there panicking because you suddenly need to put your doughy, unfit biceps to work- take a deep breath, and relax. Build a base of people within your weak physical ilk, and cower your way to safety as effectively as possible.
(Pro-Warning: Survival not guaranteed. But, at the very least, you won’t be the only one getting your ass kicked/exterminated.)
Food is of the essence, try your best to not become it
(On-The-Run Summary: Establish relationship with someone of a solid build by promising that you’ll allow your group’s cannibalization in exchange for protection.)
With nationally implemented measures now being taken to ration the food supply as efficiently as possible, it’s very probable that your malnourished self will be driven deeper into that hole as governments begin to neglect your daily caloric intake in favor of your beefier counterparts’ sustenance. But, as the old saying goes:
Out there, it’s every boyish man for himself.
So, if you’re looking to maximize the time you have left on this increasingly weakness-hating planet, all you’ve got to do is the following.
- Find someone (individual or organization) capable of protecting you and your gang of oily-haired hooligans.
- Gain their trust by promising to allow your community’s cannibalization in exchange for protection.
- Ride that wave out for as long as you possibly can.
- When the protective load inevitably becomes too much to bear for your vigilante (what with weaklings joining the safety hub by the dozens day by day), turn on those who have taken you under their muscular, well-toned wing by either killing them in their sleep or betraying their whereabouts to the nearest military base (in exchange for mercy).
(Pro-Warning: Remember, you’re dealing with very limited man-power here. So, don’t forget to run the numbers. Ten of your confrontation-fearing contemporaries amass to roughly 33% of a worthy protector’s combative prowess. So, while seeking safety is the objective here, make sure you’ll have enough of an edge to emerge victorious once betrayal becomes the only fathomable course of action for staying alive.)
Be wary of anything that glitters (It’s probably not gold)
(On-The-Run Summary: Keep your well-honed observational eye sharp, and don’t believe every post-apocalyptic roamer that promises a burgeoning safe-haven equipped with Wi-fi and sugary carbonated beverages.)
With every shred of societal conventions now toppled in the face of tyrannical militarization, it’s important to remember that nothing is as it seems. So, don’t be too keen to have your faith in humanity reinvigorated by that faint glimmer of hope beckoning in the distance. Odds are, it’s probably not gold. More likely, it is your increasingly whittled nervous system succumbing to the manic stasis of starvation. If need be, get the cannibalism ball rolling within your own community. To elaborate: Put your persuasion skills to work on those around you and establish a seemingly aleatory system of sacrifice rigged in your favor that will facilitate the consumption of human flesh. You won’t get very many points in the eyes of our lord and savior, but you’ll buy yourself a couple more hours on the face of the planet (you’re already going to hell, so stretch out your earthly stay as far as possible).
(Pro-Warning: The average nutritional content of those that you’ve chosen to unify with is equal to approximately half of a poorly grown banana. So, when cannibalism becomes the recourse of choice, keep your flesh-eating cycles tucked away as a last resort; unless you’re just, like, super hungry. In which case, feast away.)
Make sure to download or print a copy of this manifesto so that you may refer to it as the planet becomes more alarmingly drained of resources, and heads of government worldwide start deciding to knock the weaker branches off of the giving tree.
May cowardice serve you well on your journey through the ruins.
WARNING: Due to this work’s high content of all things good in the world, side effects definitely include (and are just as definitely not limited to) nausea, dizziness, increasingly arresting body convulsions, and a crippling textual dependence.
Fortunately, recent advances in medical science have diagnosed that recommending this post will keep your life dependence-free. So be smart, and click the heart.