The Subjectivity of Taking One for the Team

Excerpts from the book of “This Actually Happened”

“So she’s trynna hook me up with her sister, right?”


“Take one for the team, she says.”

“To you or her?”

“Fuck off. But the answer is me.”

“Jesus, how bad was she?”

“Just about the same as my ranking, honestly.”

“Well, thank God you didn’t. Don’t wanna risk birthing the Anti-Christ. But, so, what was the problem?”

“Dude, have you seen me?”

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“Exactly. So, you think I wanna fuck anybody that’s right down there in the trenches with me? I mean, we’re all reachers in the 1–4 demographic. 5 and up. That’s all we’ll fornicate with. So, for the most part, it’s just this massive horde of horny people walking around with steaming hormones coming out of their ear-holes.”

“Well, that’s a nice way of putting it. It really doesn’t surprise me that you have such a grasp on uggonomics. But, why don’t you just fuck each other? Besides the whole ‘risk of birthing the Anti-Christ’ thing?”

“Because we just don’t want to, alright? Maybe when you get older and the battle is definitely and insurmountably lost, there’ll be time for mingling with your morphies. But, for now, we at least gotta take a stab at keeping the battle tanks rolling.”

“Can you just get to point already?”

“Okay, yeah, sure. Anyways, she tells me to take one for the team.”


“But I’m feeling pretty limp dick about the whole situation, so I say no.”


“So, two months later, I find out she has Hepatitis.”

“Yikes. What type?”

“The fuck does it matter? I don’t care if it’s A, B, or C- if something is wide-ranging enough to be scientifically alphabetized, I want nothing to do with it.”

“Well, what about Vitamins?”

“Oh, come on. American men don’t give a shit what goes into their body. All we’re concerned with is what our penis can enter.”

“Fair point.”

“Anyway, my question is: Since when does taking one for the team include venereal diseases?”

WARNING: Due to this work’s high content of all things good in the world, side effects definitely include (and are just as definitely not limited to) nausea, dizziness, increasingly arresting body convulsions, and a crippling textual dependence.

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