I’m still with her.

Dear Hillary,

Its been over a week now. On Tuesday November 8th, 2016 I turned off my television at about 11:30pm and have not turned it on since. I can’t bear to. I, who have listened to NPR each and every day since the early 1970’s have not had it on in 10 days. I can’t bear to.

I’ve watched PBS News Hour since McNeil and Lehrer but now its gone silent and I accidentally heard of the passing of Gwen Ifill and to be honest, I can’t bear it. I can’t bear the news, I can’t bear Gwen’s death. Its just too much for me. But mostly I can’t bear to think of the disappointment you are experiencing. The let down from a democracy that lets you win the popular vote but persists with an antiquated system that was designed for an agrarian society who had no access to news, no access to information, who needed to rely on a select few citizens who could be trusted to make this most important of decisions, who would be our president.

I’m a news junkie. I read it. I watch it. I listen to it. I love news, politics, the discourse of current events. Until November 8, 2016 when I became a hermit, when I walked into a closet and closed the door on the outside world. When the emotions I felt reminded me of the death of a loved one. When the thoughts I experienced felt like the grief and loss and the out of control sensations that come with the deepest of losses. I would wake, startled from sleep and for one moment I’d forget what had happened but then reality hits like a sledgehammer reminding me of what the truth is, the facts we all face despite the shock and fear. There really is no escaping it. It is.

Then I chance upon a photo, a video, an image of my candidate, the woman I championed, the woman I tied my hopes to. And my heart aches for her loss and I wonder, I worry about you, Hillary. I wonder how you deal with this on the most personal level. I hope Hillary that you know that your loss is our loss, your failure is our failure, the country as a majority mourns with you, aches with you, flounders with what our scary future holds, winces at what portends. We are still with you.

I chastise myself for being duped into thinking the greatest nation in the world could finally elect a woman to lead it, I was a fool for having hope that my country could make one more step forward progressing to be a land of equality and acceptance and inclusion. On November 8th we took a huge slide backward and there’s no other way to characterize it but to say I’m deeply, solemnly worried about our path and where we are headed.

To Hillary, I say, yes, we are still with you. And we may need you more than ever. Like me you should not retreat into the closet, hiding and protecting yourself from the world that awaits us. Stand with me and the rest of your voters because now more than ever, we need each other.