Receiving Projected Negativity

Been struggling with my sense of who I am this past week or so. Can’t get the negative things out of my mind, that were said to me by the person I loved more than any other. Grrrrr.

So why am I letting this bother me? Allowing someone else’s issues to project into my own headspace?

Now there’s a question that delves so deep in my mind. Something inside of me has always wanted to improve. It seems to have been part of my nature forever. And when I think I’ve done a good job of that, and then I’m told I haven’t at all, from someone I care for so deeply, then it really feels like it has credibility, and on some levels does mean that I’ve failed. And that just makes me feel incompetent and useless, which doesn’t match what the conscious part of my brain tells me. I know that I am competent and useful, my track record in recent times speaks clearly for itself. So, fuck that projection then. Tick.

So next I need to consider if I am unconsciously dysfunctional. It’s a place I’ve been before, and the first step is identifying if that is indeed where I am right now. So then it becomes a question of how one goes about measuring what is and isn’t functional behaviour. I could be just delusional, but my self diagnosis says I’m actually in the opposite quadrant, at a consciously functional level. Right now that’s better than being unconsciously functional. It means I’m actively working on myself. Tick.

So its just grief, and it just needs some time to pass. So I cry, and sleep, and procrastinate. And feel lost. And reach out just a little bit here and there. And get better. And get a move on with my giant endless task list, in which a single critical date has not been missed. And peace returns to my head.

Until frustratingly, an unexpected moment arises, where I only need to think about that person who I loved more than anyone, just for an instant. And in my brain, the negative projected messages appear once again. Each time my consciousness hoping their impact will lessen over time. Knowing that eventually this will pass, sufficiently for it to no longer effect my day to day conscious reality.

I think I’m familiar enough with this repeating life time pattern now: just like the grief that has happened with every other person I seem to have lost along the way. And sometimes you will get to meet them again, and sometimes you won’t. And I guess that’s just what happens. To all of us, from time to time. It hurts for a while. But we survive another day, and tell another story. And just hope that they are ok too.