Showbiz at the Oscars: A Concise Review of The Revenant

“I ain’ t afraid to die anymore. I done it already.”

For me, a good movie is like sex. It doesn’t go on too long (or end too fast), it holds my interest the whole time, and hopefully I don’t cry that much.

With that out of the way, let’s dive into Alejandro Gonzalez Innaritu’s The Revenant, a movie that fits the above qualifications to a t (Is it to a t? Or to a tee? Remind me to look that up). With Gonzalez at the helm, Emmanuel “Chivo” Lubezki handling cinematography, and an all-star roster in the casting department (Tom Hardy, Domnhall Gleeson, and of course ~~Leo~~ all turned in killer performances), the 12 Oscar nods for this movie come as no surprise.

Might as well get on with the Leo talk right off the bat, because that’s the only thing anyone’s talking about. Does he deserve the Oscar? Yes. Will he win it? God I hope so. Dude had like, 6 lines in the whole movie and half of them weren’t even in English. He spent the rest of the movie crawling on the ground grunting and crying like your average PC senior the morning after a rough one at Whiskey Rep. Just give the guy an Oscar already.

Tom Hardy also crushes his role as Fitzgerald, one of the men responsible for leaving Leo for dead, and even though you come out of the theater thinking of him as the slimiest piece of scum west of the Mississippi, you can’t help but wonder if any reasonable man would have made the same choices Fitzgerald did to survive. Hardy’s got Best Supporting Actor on lock, UNLESS Sly Stallone manages to pull it from his cold, dead hands. You heard it here first.

Apart from the acting, the work put in behind the camera is where this movie shines. Lubezki can’t be beat when it comes to cinematography. The beautiful landscapes and natural lighting bring this film to life, and really give you a sense of the cruel and unforgiving Mother Nature Leo’s Hugh Glass was up against. Really rooting for the 3-peat for best cinematography for Chivo. Guy earned it.

The Revenant’s shortcomings come as a result of a relatively shallow and one-sided narrative. Pretty much all you need to know about the movie’s plot you can get from the trailer. Not saying it’s not an awesome story, it’s just simple. I’m not expecting a best picture win for The Revenant, but I am expecting everyone who reads this review to go out and see it RIGHT NOW.

Showbiz Score: 5 bear maulings out of 5

Awards predictions: Best Lead Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Cinematography, Best Makeup and Hair Design

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