A High School Commencement Speech By Daniel Day-Lewis

Thank you for the kind introduction, Principal Ramsey. My name is Daniel Day-Lewis, and I am proud to be the commencement speaker for the South Katonah High School Class of 2014. In my own professional work, I try to fully immerse myself into a new environment in order to understand my character’s place in it. Therefore, when Principal Ramsey begged me to speak at graduation four years ago, I determined that in order to be the most capable and powerful commencement speaker I could be, I needed to fully immerse myself in the world of South Katonah High School.

For the past four years, the class of 2014 has known me as Devin McCallister, a two-sport athlete who lived on Mulligan Drive with his nanny Charlotte, played by Octavia Spencer. Devin was a simple teenager. He was afraid to start life in a new high school after moving around constantly as a child. Despite his love of lacrosse and soccer, he always felt that he needed another outlet, an artistic one. Devin tried out for the school play, but unfortunately drama teacher Petunia Flint claimed that he “was not the right fit” for the part of Nathan Detroit in Guys and Dolls. Devin then banished theatre from his young life, immunizing himself from the tantalizing disease that we so callously call a love of acting.

Mrs. Flint, please stop crying and smashing your forehead into the chair in front of you. You were right. Devin was not a very good actor. He was just played by a very good actor.

Devin made some good friends along the way. There was soccer coach Henry Sprock, who moved Devin from outside midfielder to striker despite Devin’s lack of goal scoring ability. Coach Sprock’s profound belief in Devin inspired me to make the bold artistic choice to have Devin miss the shot that would have brought South Katonah to the National Championships in Las Vegas.

Coach Sprock, it’s nice to see you punching the air and screaming expletives at me again. It reminds me of that final game.

Then there was Lucas, Devin’s best friend and president of the school’s Daniel Day-Lewis Fan Club, who couldn’t be here today because he heard that I, Daniel Day-Lewis, was spotted near the Stop and Shop. Devin McCallister tried to get Lucas to come to commencement, but he said that he’d rather camp out at the Stop and Shop, hoping that lightning would strike twice.

And of course there was Devin’s reliable and adorable dog, Muffin, portrayed with motion capture by the incomparable Andy Serkis.

During his time at South Katonah High School, Devin learned a great deal, but by playing him, I, Daniel Day-Lewis, learned more than I could have ever imagined. I learned to play the clarinet, but quit after learning that the wind ensemble field trip to Busch Gardens had been cancelled. I learned that properly expressing emotion is secondary to properly expressing emojis. And learned that Kayla Wilkinson is a total bitch and I didn’t even want to go to prom with her in the first place.

This has been an incredible journey, and there are so many people here that I’d like to thank. Steven Spielberg, for helping me with my homework for Mr. Alter’s biology class in between shooting scenes for Lincoln. Sir Ben Kingsley, for all of your guidance both in acting and in your twenty years of service as South Katonah High School custodian Thomas P. O’Houlihan. And of course the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, for an extremely humbling Oscar nomination for what isn’t even a film role.

Thank you all for giving me the opportunity to speak here today, and I’m excited to announce that since I have agreed to give their commencement speech in 2018, Devin McCallister will be attending Dartmouth College in the fall.